I do catch myself “faking it” as continuing to w/o her will never be right

I told myself from day one..I would never fake it or act as though I am okay when in reality I’m dying inside. In the beginning so many accept your sadness and are willing to “face it” but Lets be honest..none of us want to see someone hurting..or be around people that are sad..some simply don’t want to be around because its easy for them to forget their own pain if they can ignore yours..I understand and must accept others decisions as I have no choice but my sadness and pain isn’t something I am able to ignore or run away from..that will only postpone the pain for a later date. I do catch myself “faking it” as continuing without her will never be right or feel right..so its impossible. My feeling of happiness will never be what it used to be in every happy and joyous moment Im desperately wishing She was experiencing it with us here on earth. Accepting Gods will for your life when it isn’t what you want or desire is HARD. How do you believe that what happened can be used for good when it hurts so bad..why does good have to come from my pain..I’m not sure I will ever know or be ok with any answer I am given..But I never doubt that God is there and working. I see so many blessing he has given and continues to give..they do not alleviate any of the pain but are a continual reminder that God didn’t take my daughter to harm me or hurt me..he’s fighting hard to encourage me and let me know she is with him waiting for me and I continue fighting hard to stand where he has put me..knowing that I do not have to “fake it” for him to use me. If I never speak of my brokenness how can anyone appreciate the strength that he gave me to live through it. I’m so Greatful to all those who have been willing to accept us damaged and continue walking and helping us find those precious moments of happiness that are so hard to come by