Do you realize how hard it is to smile, to laugh, to find a desire to want to live the next day when a part of you is missing? I’m off balance, I’m in constant pain that is never ending. The fact that I smile throughout the days or smile through tears is not from me..I’m incapable of surviving the loss of Sydney..I loved her so much..I’m not okay with not seeing her again or worshiping next to her in church or watching her love God through this screwed up world. No matter what I feel or go through or how bad I want to give up..at the end of the day I find my strength because I do honestly believe deep down in my soul that God is Lord and knows what is best. I put my trust in him that as much as I’m suffering he knew what was best so even though I haven’t gotten what I wanted in this world I will no doubt be given all my hearts desires through God when it is time. So I’m able to survive my struggles, tears, and pain because of my true belief in God. It is through him and his promises that I have a hope of something better than the pains of this world. I still can’t believe I have to live this life without her..
I want to be able to post how well we are doing and how we are managing life without her better then we were but truth is we are still suffering and struggling every second. Our life has changed so much and in a way we never wanted. I don’t believe that I took her for granted because I’m not sure I could have loved her or done anything more with her than I did but I didn’t realize that I talked to her about everything not just in her life but in mine. I miss having a daughter and having the love that a daughter gives her mom. Its also soccer season and its killing me inside that I’m not able to watch her play. The entire time she played soccer I missed very few games ever and I even watched most of her practices I loved watching her play. I’m so jealous that she isn’t out there with everyone else..I know it isn’t a good feeling but I’m not trying to be perfect I’m trying to be honest. Our life is emotionally exhausting. We started a new bible study tonight and when introductions started they included your family…Stacy looks at me and says what do we do? He really didn’t have to worry because I was going before him so it was up to me. I mean what do you do? I can’t just say I’m the parent of a 12 years old boy because I was the mom of 2 kids and I will always be her mom and she is forever a part of our family. Its hard because you don’t want to make people sad but she is a part of us forever. I guess we will forever be experiencing new situations and will try our best to get through them.
Some of the beauty she left us with..rainbows, double rainbows, smiles, and memories that we will never forget.
Soccer season has started and I’m miss watching my girl play. I’m so thankful for all her teammates playing their hearts out for her! We miss you JETER!
I haven’t posted since the New Year started. Honestly I guess I don’t want to admit that I had to start a year without her. Today marks 6 months that she has been gone. Thats half a year. The feelings are unexplainable as it seems like just yesterday I was sitting on the side of the road in the pitch dark with red blue and white lights flashing all around me being told she was gone but also forever since I’ve gotten to hear her or hug her. Memories and pictures feel like they just happened. I remember them like it was yesterday. The only explanation I can give to our survival is that we have leaned on and kept God close every second of everyday. We try very hard to stay focused on his will, his love, and his forgiveness so that the what ifs don’t rip us to pieces. I chose this picture as my first picture because I want to remind everyone what was important to her. She wrote this for herself as none of us knew about it until it was found in her bible the day everyone was told of the accident. She wrote it after doing a bible study from a book so I know she had to have written it sometime after May 18th when I purchased the book. Not even 2 months before she left us. Every time I read this I have to tell myself she was only 16 yrs old. She didn’t ask to be remembered for her beauty, what clothes she had, how popular she was, or pushing the limits of life. She wanted to leave a legacy that was honoring and pleasing to God. As we struggle through this life without her We stay focused on Gods promises as he holds her with him until we are blessed with seeing her again! Missing and remembering how blessed we were is the new normal for our family. Thank you to everyone who continues to pray for us.