Last week I smiled a little this week however seems to be impossible. Its unreal the amount of pain someone can feel and still be alive. I keep praying for God to protect Cameron and give us the strength to provide him with the life he deserves, but there is no way to pretend his life hasn’t been affected. He loved his sister and no longer has her. We as parents are changed forever by the loss of our precious Sydney. No matter how strong we are or how hard we try to make his life what it would have been we can’t because it would have been with her. He was born into this world with a sister, he never lived a day without her and his life is forever changed by her not being with us. He doesn’t want to participate in Halloween. He didn’t say why just that he doesn’t want to, but all I can think about is how she took him around last year, and the year before. His life will forever be missing her and it doesn’t matter if I wipe all the tears away before he gets home, smile more or laugh with him. I don’t ask why he took her because I really don’t want to know but I do find myself asking why he gave her so many amazing gifts and talents, why did he allow her to be someone we can’t live without if he was going to take her so young? Stacy called the other day and said lets promised whoever sees her first tells her how much the other one missed and loved her everyday…I live in his word everyday just to be able to survive and make it to the next day. God’s promises of being with him and being reunited with her is what we all 3 live for.
I smiled some this last week but I cried even harder. I’m thankful for any second that I can smile or laugh but it’s usually followed by an extreme feeling of wishing she had been with me for the laughter. I know how strong she was and how strong she wants us to be. She was so focused on following God and letting people know that he was the answer. This is a picture of her closet where every morning at 7am she got up and had her quite time. She was 16 and set this up all herself. She gave up half her closet space and made a chair out of a big pillow two pillow pets and a blanket so that she could have no distractions. This is probably one of my favorite things she did..it shows where her heart was and how important God was to her. I often think if I could just see into Heaven and watch her smiling with Jesus it would help. I know as hard as it is everyday, we survive because God never leaves our side no matter how alone we feel or how bad we want her back. Love and miss you Sydney always and forever!
Today marks 100 days without one of the biggest and loving personalities I have ever known. I miss her so much. Words can’t really describe. I appreciate all the prayers and support everyone has given us through this storm that seems to continue to darken. Stacy will often tell me that this is wrong and more than unfair. We lost our baby girl, all the dreams she had. She won’t be there for Cameron’s first girlfriend, his school sports, his graduation, ect… He misses his sister just as much as we do…I thought I would share what I’ve learned these last 100 days…life has changed forever..it doesn’t get easier it gets harder..no matter how much you’ve done its never enough when their gone forever..crying becomes as natural as waking up…tears don’t dry up..thinking about the future feels like someone is ripping your heart out…what people think becomes important especially since all we have left is what people remember and their thoughts of her…even when you want to sit in your pity and not move God will send someone to lift you up and make you thankful…no matter how much you grab onto things nothing gives you the feeling of her being here and loving all over us…love doesn’t stop it continues to grow…even if you think you can’t live without someone you don’t always get that choice…I’m so thankful for all the out of the ordinary things I did with her…no matter how many times I fall God is faithful to pick me up and give me the strength I need to make it to the next day even when I didn’t think it was possible…missing her never stops… Sydney Lisa Jeter you will be with me forever and always.
God tells us to trust him. It is easy to trust him when we have everything and we are being blessed but the true test of trust is when you trust him even when you aren’t getting what you want. When you know what you want from him…you can’t have but you still trust that he holds the only answers..even though they aren’t the ones you want. My pain will never go away I suffer each and everyday wanting to hear her, hold her, and see her. I don’t know how I make it through each day. The pain is literally exhausting. I’m tired and I want to quit hurting to just give up but each day continues to come and I have no choice but to continue. I’m pulled between loving Cameron and wanting the best for him but missing and longing to see my baby girl. As bad as I hurt I still trust that she is in the hands of The Lord waiting for the day her family joins her next to Jesus!
Well It’s the homecoming game tonight. There really nothing else I can say other than I’m missing her more than ever right now but I know she will be watching over those football boys tonight. Im thankful that God is my best friend. He’s the only one that knows the true depth of my pain. He walks with me everyday encouraging me cause he knows how alone and empty I feel and how badly we just want her back. Life keeps me praying continually as I can’t even make it to the next hour with out his help. Miss you baby girl forever and always!
Our hearts stay heavy with sorrow. Thinking a lot this week about all the plans we had made that stretched beyond 7/10/13. I will tell all you Moms and Dads to remember not only that your not promised tomorrow but that your not promised right now God doesn’t have to let your babies come home from school or let you tuck them in at night. Appreciate them right NOW because they can walk out the door for ice cream and never come home. I have very few regrets ever with Sydney as we lived and did so much together. Oh how God blessed me so very much with how close she allowed me to be with her as a teenager. However the closeness causes the pain to be so much sharper and deeper into my soul. No matter how much time you have or have given I can promise you its never enough when they are gone forever. You always want more…Last year at this time we were running around finalizing homecoming plans. My heart feels so very crushed as I won’t get the joy of seeing her all beautifully dressed up and capturing her happiness in my pictures. Instead her dress and shoes will stay exactly where they are in her closet as I do the only thing I can do PRAY!