I told myself from day one..I would never fake it or act as though I am okay when in reality I’m dying inside. In the beginning so many accept your sadness and are willing to “face it” but Lets be honest..none of us want to see someone hurting..or be around people that are sad..some simply don’t want to be around because its easy for them to forget their own pain if they can ignore yours..I understand and must accept others decisions as I have no choice but my sadness and pain isn’t something I am able to ignore or run away from..that will only postpone the pain for a later date. I do catch myself “faking it” as continuing without her will never be right or feel right..so its impossible. My feeling of happiness will never be what it used to be in every happy and joyous moment Im desperately wishing She was experiencing it with us here on earth. Accepting Gods will for your life when it isn’t what you want or desire is HARD. How do you believe that what happened can be used for good when it hurts so bad..why does good have to come from my pain..I’m not sure I will ever know or be ok with any answer I am given..But I never doubt that God is there and working. I see so many blessing he has given and continues to give..they do not alleviate any of the pain but are a continual reminder that God didn’t take my daughter to harm me or hurt me..he’s fighting hard to encourage me and let me know she is with him waiting for me and I continue fighting hard to stand where he has put me..knowing that I do not have to “fake it” for him to use me. If I never speak of my brokenness how can anyone appreciate the strength that he gave me to live through it. I’m so Greatful to all those who have been willing to accept us damaged and continue walking and helping us find those precious moments of happiness that are so hard to come by

The month of July is filled with the last memories we had with her, but it isn’t just that they were the last its that they were some of the best. The peace that filled our home as we all individual grew our relationship with God is an unbelievable gift that can’t be explained as it also grew us all closer to each other. Our family had never been stronger than we were in that last month. This last year has been an extreme test of faith and perseverance as losing Sydney has made each of us want to just give up. The pain takes you to places you never thought imaginable. Our future was shattered and everything we hoped and dreamed for was destroyed. I’ve said it before but I’m not sure anyone that didn’t know her would understand..She was our bright light..Everything could be going bad and when she walked around the corner and smiled at you..it just made you light up inside. She never walked away from the opportunity to try and make us feel better or give us the encouragement needed to get through the struggles of life…and we hadn’t even faced our hardest one…I can honestly say that we enjoyed life together because we enjoyed the same things about life. Even though we enjoyed life..we still sometimes took things for granted..I never thought for one second she would ever leave me..It just isn’t possible for your brain to think about it..On July 8, 2013 Sydney was driving home from the gym and she wrecked her car just a couple miles from the house. She called me crying and so upset..I immediately told her as long as she was okay everything would be okay. I left the house to go meet her and when I saw the car..no doubt totaled..and not a scratch on her I was thanking God every second..You see in that moment I was thankful she was still with me, but my mind was not able to understand what horror we truly avoided. I am so blessed God gave me those extra days because I might not have understood the pain I avoided but God still worked through it. We were able to tell her that nothing mattered more to us than her life..not the insurance…not the car..nothing matters more than the people in your life. Sometimes as we struggle through life we don’t take time to tell our kids how important they are. We did!! The next two days we hugged her more..said I love you more..she was so very emotional and knew God let her walk away..Those last days we were able to focus on what was important. Thursday will mark a year from the second wreck that ended up taking her life..It will be awful but truthfully everyday is hard and awful..Thursday might be a little better because it will be a day everyone is willing to stop and remember her, and that is the only thing that comes close to easing the pain of losing your child. I will get to for a day see her life be remembered and memories shared. The further you get from the day they left the less people stop to share their memories. Again our house is open on Thursday..please do not hesitate to come see us..no memory too small to share..if she touched your life in anyway before or after her death..you have the ability to touch ours.