This is one of Sydney Lisa Jeter writings..I had a hard time with this one for a while not because my faith gauge wasn’t full because I would say it was overflowing. The problem I had was when she says what do you want from Jesus today? Do you believe he is able to do this? Well what I want from Jesus is my child back and then thinking about the next questions brought all kind of emotions because I do believe it’s possible but I don’t believe it will happen. So wrestling with… this one has been hard, until I stopped looking at it from an earthly view, because the truth is..giving me my child back is exactly what Jesus has already come and conquered. His purpose was ultimately to reunite us with God but does that not give me exactly what I desire? Maybe not on this earth, but this earth is temporary and Jesus’s gift is eternal. It takes time to wrestle with feelings and truth as they often do not coincide. The waiting is hard and hurts but never the less the answer to Do I believe that he is able to do this, as a Christian Disciple, is not yes..but he already did. God has truly blessed me with these writings. It is like she’s leading me in a bible study ❤️Love you Syd! You truly are a #missablekindofgirl
Well the season is about to be here when Santa’s Wonderland will be open. I dread this every year. I know people can’t understand why anyone would not like Santa’s Wonderland, but let me tell you PTSD is real and due to where I live I have to pass this every night going home. It isn’t even here yet but my heart starts to beat a little bit faster just thinking about what it will due to me every night all through the holidays which are hard in general. For those that don’t know the details of “my story” a detective never made it to our house before I woke up and realized Sydney wasn’t home. I had gotten in the car to go look for her and when I got to the end of the road that faces Santa’s Wonderland all I saw were flashing red blue and white lights. We live out of the city, so there are not a lot of street lights and the darkness is extra dark which magnified the flashing lights. They were not actually flashing at Santa’s Wonderland because Sydney’s accident was on the feeder between William D Fitch and Nantucket but I could see them from that stop sign at the end of that road. I knew at that moment, after seeing those lights flashing..that was the reason she hadn’t come home..I also knew (without really knowing) at that moment that it was bad, that if she had been okay she would have already called me. Turns out I did know..without knowing..but it was so much more than bad..I share all of this to allow other people to understand that the trauma a parent goes through that surrounds their child’s death is something completely different than the grief from loosing them. For those whose child made it to the hospital, they most likely feel the triggers and flashbacks when they walk into a hospital especially if they walk into “the” hospital. These things can happen with more than just the moment you lost them. The other night when I walked into Central Baptist Church (the church we had Sydney’s service in) for the Crowder concert I immediately pictured the funeral and felt a horrible emptiness come over me. I’m 100 percent positive that is normal for a grieving momma but I still felt it and still had to process those moments when PTSD makes it way into the night and I must somehow figure out how to process and handle it. The triggers that envoke PTSD are different and unique to each story..to each parent. They can be a smell, a place, something visual..etc. So here is what I know..the best way to process traumatic experiences is to talk about or write about them. It in some way allows them to enter a place that is outside of you. Talking and writing aren’t easy and is not the end to the process..Most likely you will be faced with it again but I believe the more you speak about or write about it the easier it is to handle and face it the next time it rears its ugly head. I’m 5 years out and I know without a shadow of a doubt when I see those flashing lights from the sheriffs car directing traffic at Santa’s Wonderland I’m going to feel sick, I’m going to have flashbacks of seeing the lights that night and feel the panic I felt driving up to the roadblock where I waited watching those flashing lights while they got the detective and chaplain to come and tell me my daughter was in the vehicle involved in the accident, and that she didn’t make it. I will need to process all the emotions that flood me, so when people bring up any part of their story be kind and listen. If you feel comfortable you can even engage them and ask questions. If they have brought it up they’re probably comfortable enough to converse about it. You have no idea, it’s a mean of therapy for them. They aren’t trying to be morbid or upset you they are most likely trying to process the trauma they’ve been through which may have been triggered by some event that day. It isn’t just important to talk in the 1st or 2nd year, It’s needed as long as they are still experiencing and processing the trauma they went through and for us parents, I’m pretty sure that will be as long as we are living with facing a reality that’s impossible. If you are a parent who needs support and feel like you just haven’t found it. Please find a Compassionate Friends Chapter or another pier grief support group and join a meeting. It truly is one of the safest places you can share and the people in your group become like family. They will always be there to listen because they don’t have to read this post to understand the need to share your child’s life, the need to process the pain and trauma, or the need to be heard and have your feelings validated without judgement. For those who haven’t lost a child you are just as important and can make just as big of a difference, all you have to do is listen, and love them. If they post about their child, if you can’t think of anything to say..just say Love and hugs or continued prayers for you, or say what you would say if it were a momma or daddy posting a picture of their child that wasn’t gone..for example beautiful girl or she is gorgeous. If the picture is a memory you can relate to comment from the heart, for example I sure miss watching her on the field or she made me laugh so hard that day. Now take all these tips and knowledge out into the world and help those who may need help. Never forget God uses people to answer prayers. Be the answer to someone’s prayers..Christianity is about action not just thoughts and words.
I’m not sure if anyone else has done this but I think a lot about the moment Sydney met Jesus which in a few short hours will be exactly 5 yrs ago. I can only imagine the peace he brought to her after being thrashed around. It’s a blessing for me to know that she didn’t have long before the accident began and she was standing present before The Lord perfectly new with not one single injury. Healed in a way we think and try to understand but can not. Her life upon earth may have ended at that moment but her real life was just beginning. As much as I’d like to think she stayed around the accident watching us, worried about us and how we would make it, like the movies would show..I know she didn’t. Instead she was standing with The Prince of Peace, she was not holding on to Bible versus..she was experiencing him personally. Can you imagine the amount of love she felt at that moment. Anyone who knew Sydney knew all she ever wanted in this life was to be loved. She loved others so deeply because that’s how she wanted to be loved and at this moment she would no longer have to try and get that from broken people who were incapable of providing it. No more heartbreak or heartache because God’s love is perfect. Her hearts desire truly standing right before her offering his hand however I’m sure she probably talked him into giving her a piggyback ride💞I find peace in knowing she is free from the pain and heartache of this world and at the same time ache to the depths of my soul because I want so badly to share in these moments as I know her smile and laughter would be far greater than what she experienced here. So thankful for God’s promises and the sacrifice of Jesus. I can’t wait to join her and sit as she tells me the real story of when she met Jesus because I’m positive my imagination and thoughts can not come close to the truth of her actual experience but I find peace knowing it wouldn’t be less than my imagination but instead abundantly more!
1..2..3..4..and now we have arrived at the 5th year. It’s seems unreal I don’t know where the last 5 yrs went. That of course doesn’t mean that I didn’t feel the emptiness and heartache every single day of those 5 yrs. it just means my mind and heart haven’t, can’t, won’t allow me to grasp the reality of 5 yrs because I know it’s impossible for me to have survived it. I wish I could share what I’ve learned the last 5 years but it is impossible to know without going through it and one of the many things that hasn’t changed since that day is that I still wouldn’t wish this suffering on anyone..literally no one. The sad part is that I’m positive without knowing this kind of pain and suffering I would not know God’s grace, and mercy the way that I do. I would not appreciate the sacrifice of Jesus and the gift of life after death without it being my only hope to see her again and the one thing I could not do for my child. It can only come through him. It’s easy to read the scriptures and say you believe it but when it’s your life and you face everyday with your child not here, no longer breathing, smiling, or laughing it is no longer something you read and say yes I believe it, instead it becomes a part of your heart beat and a part of your breathing. It’s the only hope of righting the wrong you feel. A gift of mercy and grace we don’t deserve and couldn’t earn. Even though it’s not really that we have been wronged because we are entitled to and deserve nothing more than death and permanent separation but we were made in the image of God and so we will never be okay being separated from those we love just as God was not okay being separated from us. Without facing the weakness I’ve experienced through loosing Sydney I would never have experienced the strength and power of the Holy Spirit carrying me through what I was incapable of surviving. When Sydney was here and I told her I wouldn’t make it if anything ever happened to her. I meant it, Just like those who haven’t lost a child look at me and say I couldn’t do that..they mean it but I’m not stronger than you or who I was when I said I couldn’t make it, but my God is. Being weak and broken allowed me to not only see that God could use me regardless but that he desired and continues to invited me to join him. The love I feel knowing God still choose me and wanted me in the shape I am in..again something I would have never experienced without being on this journey. I have heard many say that they would not take their child out of heaven or they wouldn’t want to have to give up the relationship they have with God now. Here is the moment many who think my walk is so strong will no doubt see my flesh because I’m one selfish person..I would without hesitation snatch Sydney back from heaven without even thinking and if she complained I would probably get my feelings hurt that she would rather be there then with me and I’m positive I would tell her she needed to quit complaining. I would be completely okay with going back to just knowing God through reading the Bible. I would NOT choose to endure this suffering to know God the way I do..but I am in awe and thankful that God’s mercy covers me and every bit of my flesh and despite me wanting him to have allowed something different or me not wanting to learn all this the hard way..He still allowed me to experience him in ways I never could have, regardless of my flesh. He didn’t hold back blessings or my experiences because of my unwillingness to agree with him because even though my heart wouldn’t choose ANY of this I still trust him and believe in his Sovereignty and have surrendered to and follow him and his word. I am the child to an amazing father whose love is beyond this world’s comprehension16 yrs 9 months and 24 days was not near enough but I’ll cherish the memories while I’m waiting for the day I’m reunited!
It’s July 1st..my stomach is in knots this morning. I don’t want this month to come, I don’t want to pass this mark..I’m hurting, praying, and holding tight to the memories and wisdom she shared 5 yrs ago today. I know it’s true but that doesn’t take away the reality that I know because my life is simply too big for me and without his promises I would not make it. I will never get used to not seeing that smile, or feeling her joy and happiness. I hate not being strong enough, but my weakness has allowed me to experience this verse in a real way. I know he knows and I am thankful for Sydney’s post. I know she didn’t know that it would continue to give me encouragement but yet if you read her comments it was exactly why she posted it. Forever and always my #missablekindofgirl
I love this day! I wait for it every year because I know this day I will be flooded with some of the best memories with Sydney. She started the day working with her Daddy, went fishing as a family in the middle and then she and I were off to a concert. When I see the pictures they come to life for me and I can literally feel the joy and happiness we had that day. So thankful God allowed me so many amazing memories in this one day.
As the 5 yr mark slowly creeps up on me..my heart starts to beat faster and the anxiety begins to flare. How in the world is this possible. It still seems so unreal. There have even been days I’ve had to stop and voice to myself She was real, she was here, and this did really happen. How have I lived this long without her? How do I keep going? How does my heart continue to beat? I’m exhausted from missing her. In the first couple of years, I dealt with the trauma of loosing her, then slowly moved into a deep depression as I struggled with the loss of joy and happiness she infused into my life. Not many changes happened in the first two years, but as year 3 approached the “she would have’s” started as the kids her age began the next steps of life like graduating and going off to college. I tried as hard as I could to focus on the blessing it was to have her instead of the pain of not having her but as hard as I try the pain is simply impossible to diminish. I slowly learned how to manage and balance the weight I constantly carry around. I can promise you TIME DOES NOT HEAL but you do learn with time what makes it better and what makes it worse. Time teaches you that you survive despite the fact that you aren’t strong enough. Time teaches you that the pain doesn’t ease but you get use to carrying the weight. Time is our biggest enemy yet is also our best friend. Each day is another day we must live missing them but each day is also a day closer to seeing them again. It is time that helps you to process the trauma of what happened, and time that forces you to face the reality that they aren’t coming back. I remember in the beginning I thought I would never see the day when I thought about her without thinking about the accident but it was time that got me to the place where I remember her and all the things she’s did without thinking of the accident. The thing that makes time unable to heal is the fact that time can not take away the missing her part. It is the one thing that over the last 5 years hasn’t changed or even slightly eased. I miss not only everything about who she was but I miss all that she would have been and all she would have done. I’m 100 percent positive I will never conquer the missing her part so I am more than thankful for the people in our lives who continue to help us remember her and keep her memory alive. The memories of our last 3 months together are filled with some of the hardest moments I ever had with her but also some of the best. I’m blessed to know that by the time..”Time” takes me to the 5 years mark, my memories and Sydney’s post and writings will continue to remind me of her heart, where she put her trust, and the faithfulness of God. It was May 10th I made a call to a friend seeking some godly wisdom..May 12th (Mother’s Day that year) that we followed the push of the Holy Spirit and walked into a church Sydney said she felt God called her to attend. Confession-Sydney had told me she felt called to go there about 6 months prior and I said NO and left absolutely no room for discussion because selfishly I didn’t want to go to a new church or a small church. I think back now and wonder what blessings my stubbornness and control stole from me in those 6 months because what followed in the next 2 months couldn’t have happened without us surrendering and trusting God to work and BELIEVING that living obediently to the scriptures was our missing piece. What a blessing to have witnessed something I can find no other words for then Agape. The ultimate, incomparable and unconditionally love God has for humankind. The next couple of months will be as impossible as they’ve always been but I know the cure to my impossibility and I will do in the next couple of months exactly what I did 5 years ago just two short months before she died..I will surrender and trust God to work but this time when I fall backwards I’m not hesitant, I’m not making sure he’s behind me, I don’t have to ask him “are you sure you going to catch me” I know without a shadow of a doubt he will be there because he hasn’t left my side. I hope you see me Sydney! I hope you see me living out the truth we were studying. You don’t need it now, but so many others still do. I love you and promise to continue using “time” to work for God, hoping to see him do for others what he did for you and for me.
I want so badly to feel like I know who I am, but no matter how hard I look or how hard I try..the me that is there..I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know this pain..the unending ache that is unexplainable but ever so present and all consuming. The me that lost her daughter..NO I don’t want to know her even though I am her..It is so hard to learn to love the you..you don’t want to be.. yet that you needs more love than ever before…..I long to be who I once was..the me that was whole unbroken and incapable of understanding a pain like this..the me who wasn’t crushed by the weight of grief..the me that didn’t have to grasp for air or feel a constant ache inside my chest..the me that felt in control and stable..so how do I balance the desire to feel like I know who I am..I don’t..I wake up every day and let the ache remind me that I need God..let the missing remind me to continue making memories..let the feeling of not being loved remind me to love someone..and to let the feeling of not being in control remind me that God is..so today as I miss her more than I ever thought possible I am also reminded of how blessed I was to have her but even more blessed to know I will see her again. My journey may include darkness but I am holding tightly to the light of Life John 8:12
Please know that as I share my vulnerable journey not all my thoughts and actions are righteous or appropriate. I am sharing so that others can see the struggle and how the spirit of God continues to walk me through the waters to a place of repentance and even understanding as he protects me from the snares of Satan. So as I walk through the shadow of the valley of death I catch myself often thinking I didn’t deserve the suffering I am forced to endure. I loved my daughter and loved spending time with her. I did not toss her off onto others so that I could go and do things she or Cameron could not attend. I never bought or did things for myself if it meant that they may not have something they wanted or needed. I wove them into every part of our life. I never needed “my time” or a date night I simply didn’t want to miss any opportunity to enjoy them as I knew I was only guaranteed for them to be in my house for 18 yrs. Yet I never turned my back or ran from the hard moments of parenting. If I felt it was for their good and they didn’t agree I let them hate me for that moment even if it meant that I cried. So as I watch the people around me and see the news daily I find myself angry that they get to have their children specifically daughters and I don’t. They will experience weddings and grand babies and lunches or shopping dates with their grown daughter where the conversation isn’t about mean girls or stupid boys but instead about real life..they will experience their daughter growing from a teenager into a young women when they chose to throw away so many opportunities to live life with them years before. They saw their child as a responsibility but when I looked upon my daughter I valued her and cherished the gift she was..how could I possibly deserve to be the one to loose my child?
However God does amazing things when you seek him for peace and comfort. He continually opens my eyes in a new way and shows me a picture so different than the one I’m seeing. Every feeling I struggle with above comes from a comparison of me as a parent to someone else as a parent. It is a very self focused view. Oh how humbling it was the day I sat wailing to God about these things. As always in a gentle way the spirit nudged me with the question If you compared your parenting to mine would you still feel like you deserved to keep her? If you compared your love of her to Jesus’s love of her would you still feel you deserved something different? I wish at that moment I would have felt humbled but I didn’t instead I wanted to scream even more simply because I knew I was wrong and being wrong never feels good but as I pray and fight through, God continues to reveal my entitlement but more importantly that when I take my focus off of his glory his kingdom and the over abundant love he pours out and instead start comparing my life to the world. I lose balance, lose focus and become angry and bitter. If I take a moment and imagine myself looking at The Holy God himself I could never ever say “I didn’t deserve something” because if I got what I deserved I would never have had her to begin with and I wouldn’t have the hope of ever seeing her or living in perfect peace again. I am humbled by his love and gentle redirection when I need it. I’m so undeserving yet he continues to pursue and love me anyway.
Comparing myself to people of the world or being better than other people is not what being a disciple or Christian is all about. It is about comparing ourselves to Christ and waking up every day obediently following the word of God regardless of our circumstances or how hard it may be. The only comparison we should be doing is comparing our lives to Jesus. When we do that our humanness becomes prevalent and for me all entitlement disappears and I understood the grace he has given and the sacrifice he made. It doesn’t take away the pain of losing Sydney or the ache of missing her every second but it gives me peace and the strength I need to endure it while I’m waiting.