I am a broken person but I do not have a broken spirit

I may walk the rest of my life with a torn and broken heart missing everything about her..the laughter, the smiles, the constant playing around, the love she had and gave to others, the way at 16 she still called me mommy, how she always wanted to be touching you, but most of all I will miss watching her love, change, and grow in Christ like nothing I’ve ever seen before. Yes I’m broken to the core of my very soul. But I am not walking with a broken spirit. If Sydney Lisa Jeter taught me anything its that NOW is the only time you are guaranteed to be able to live your life for him. It is only by his grace and his promise that I may be in his presence and see my beautiful girl again. I’m comforted by the thought that no one not even me can take care of or love her the way God loves her. I live everyday for him and the promises he gave and died for…I live so that I may see her again. She lives next to a gracious and loving God watching over me as I struggle in my flesh and with my broken heart on this earth loving and taking care of her brother and her Daddy knowing that by my actions and walk with God. I will see her again. I will love my girl always and forever!

Posting pics without her…a Mom’s worst nightmare

Before the game this past weekend. This is my family now. For those of you that worry about Cameron he is doing well. As hard as it is to accept and live life without my precious girl I don’t really have a choice as I love Cameron just as much and God gives me just enough strength to do what I have to so that his life is the best it can be. I’ve held these pics and not posted them because it tears me apart to post it without her in it. I’m living every Mom’s worst nightmare. Being forced to live without her has been torture. I want to hold on and just refuse to move but life is moving and everyday something else happens that she isn’t a part of and we have to make memories without her. I’m not sure where I would be if it weren’t for all the prayers as I have never hurt and suffered so bad in my life. The thought of living years without her brings me to my knees. I grasp for anything and everything to make me feel close to her so that I may glorify God while waiting for the day he blesses me with being reunited with my baby girl.

Our last conversation

This was the last text conversation I had with her that night. She came home after that and was so very happy and playful before they left for ice cream. I’m so glad I took the time to text her and tell her how proud I was watching them walk out of church carrying their bibles. I can’t wait until the day I’m blessed to see her again.
July10th 2nd

Sending birthday notes

From the day she was born to her first birthday and all the ones in between she has been a part of me. I’m so very jealous that I was not the one beside her this year celebrating. I don’t have any pictures of her, I just have to pray and know that she had an amazing birthday with Jesus yesterday. I hope I she was honored and proud of all we did and that she loved all the scripture attached to the balloons. I beg for strength as the pain of losing someone as amazing as Sydney Lisa Jeter is just more than I can do on my own. Love you Sydney forever and always

Today Sydney Lisa Jeter would have turned 17

Today my precious daughter Sydney Lisa Jeter would have turned 17 years old. I was so blessed with every second that she was a part of our lives. People describe her as someone with a contagious smile that lived life to the fullest everyday. When I think about Sydney’s life and how I can possibly honor her on this day I am reminded of her journies and where she was the night she meet Jesus. People sing praise songs in church and I often cry because I remember sitting there watching her worship and sing. Now I think how unreal it is that she isn’t there and grieve because I know I could spend years here on earth before I get to see her again. The thought of that is crippling. I miss my baby girl beyond what anyone could imagine. I can’t tell her Happy Birthday I can’t celebrate her turning another year older. It’s difficult trying to find a way to honor or give someone something that isn’t here. Cameron struggles wanting to do something for his sister. We try so hard to grasp anything to make us feel as though she is still here. If someone would have asked her in the last week what she would want from us if she were to leave us I know her first response would be to take care of Cameron and her family, but the next thing she would have said would be for everyone to honestly seek God, Know God, Obey God, and Love God. She found her Prince of Peace and was on a mission to become the best disciple she could be. We are so very blessed that we have God’s promises that if we walk with him we will get to see her again. In my flesh I am broken, hurt, and beaten down as life has become more than I can bare. I will however continue to draw my strength from God so that I make it through another day. Today God will continually pick me up as I struggle and stumble through the agony of not having her and being able to celebrate her birthday. My present to her will be to continue to walk where God had her place me…following him waiting until the day I may be blessed with getting to see her again! I love you Sydney so very much Happy Birthday!

This pain and suffering is unimaginable

This pain and suffering is unimaginable. I miss her with every inch of my soul. I miss her laughter her smile her playfulness. I wish I would have taken more videos so I could hear her voice. I miss that she was beside me all the time. I often drive alone and know that if she was here she would have been sitting right beside me. The emptiness consumes me. Her birthday is on Monday. I know that it is a wasted prayer but I can’t help but pray and beg God to not make me have to go through that day without her. Even though it cant be answered exactly as I prayed it I know he’s listening to my sorrow and heart ache.

8 Weeks…of pure torture

One day was too long without you but 8 weeks has been pure torture. I can’t bring you back I’ve screamed I’ve cried I’ve begged but your still gone. I still wake up everyday to an empty room. The pain is constant and never goes away you consume every thought I have and yet nothing is enough. I wasnt ready for you to go away. How could your work be done when I’m still here and I need you so much. Cameron and Dad need you! I will never understand why and I don’t even want to know..no answer would be good enough for my selfish heart. Your light shined so bright you made me so proud. I can’t even imagine how I’m suppose to live out my days without you here on earth. I continue to pray that God gives me the strength as I wait until the day he finally allows me to see you again.