I’m blessed that God knows my heart. That he can see that even though my pain is deep and overwhelming I am thankful. I know through this horrible nightmare that he blessed me. I’m thankful for the last day I had with her and that we did nothing but hangout and talk about God all day. I’m thankful for all the writings she left so I would be encouraged to continue to live for God so I am blessed with seeing her again. I’m thankful I have a text from my baby just hours before she left this earth telling me she was a blessed daughter. I’m thankful that God didnt let her suffer. I’m thankful he blessed me with knowing her salvation was secure and that the minute she was out of the body she was present with The Lord. I’m thankful that he allowed me to grab ahold of every moment with her and live them the way we did. I’m thankful that she was an amazing loving person and her love was so strong we still feel it through her pictures. I’m Thankful he gave her to me over 17 years ago. I’m Thankful that I have an amazing Husband and son that understand that I’m going crazy and love me anyway. I’m Thankful for my son, knowing he is a gift and can be taken from me at anytime. I’m Thankful to still have him to call me mommy and say I love you! I’m Thankful for all of our friends and family that have been there and stood beside us during these tough times. I’m thankful for her friends who allow us to still be a part of their lives so we didn’t have to lose her and everything she loved. I have never hurt so bad in my life…a part of me is gone forever and I will never be the same. But through that pain I am most thankful that God loved us enough to send his son here to die a horrible death so that my baby could be taken to a place so beautiful and perfect our minds can’t even understand. Because his son took the punishment she deserved…I deserved…we deserved. That is a love I can not understand but am Thankful for. She waits for me in a perfect place while I finish living the life I must live in order to receive my gift of eternal life with My God and my precious baby

James 1:12 Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. I have no idea how long our test will be but every second of everyday is a new challenge trying to survive living without our amazing daughter. I know where she is..not even I could love her more than God himself. She is in a perfect place while we are left in the horrible imperfect world. We stood strong through Cameron’s birthday but Stacy explained Thanksgiving as if we are standing on the railroad tracks with the train barreling right at us and we can’t move or run from it. I believe everyone of us was blessed by her over the top out going personality. It is so hard to not have that in our lives. They say you will find your new normal I have found mine…my new normal is missing her every second of every day. Longing for the day I get to see her again. I loved her from the very first time I heard her heartbeat..the kind of love that isn’t bound by earth my love for her continues to grow just as if she were still here because my love was not based off of what I received from her it was unconditional because she was who she was. She really was everything she appeared to be and some! I was blessed to have been given such an amazing gift!

We are not doing well. The more time goes by the harder it is to find hope. I know I will see her again but I can’t imagine spending years like this. Its hard for people to understand and I honestly hope they never have to because you will never understand unless you experience it. I used to think the same way. Encouraging words and telling people they will see them again and thinking that was enough..its not enough to replace your precious child that you lived for since they were kicking inside of you. I cry more than I smile or laugh. She was so full of life constantly had me running and laughing. I miss watching her play soccer and love all over her family and friends. I try so hard to be somewhat normal for Cameron but he’s so different then her. He’s content being at home even if I offer he doesn’t want to go or do anything. Which allows me all this extra time she filled up to just sit and cry. Stacy feels the exact same way he’s a mess but strong at the same time. The strength he has shown to be there when I’m falling apart is a blessing I will forever be thankful for. He says often He’s going to make sure he is everything she ever wanted him to be. We learn that God will be our bridegroom or our father so when we lose a spouse or parent its natural to look for God to fill the gap but God is never our child he never falls to that spot as we are his children so I look for him to fill the gap and it just doesn’t happen. He is there to walk with me and comfort me but the emptiness is forever growing as he has my sweet baby girl with him.

I had amazing weekend with my amazing friends. They made me laugh and enjoy a little of life through my broken heart. Missing her has gotten worse, the loneliness, the need to be with her, nothing seems to help so being able to laugh off and on for a few days is something I am most grateful for. The house gets quieter and quieter as people move on with their lives. The pieces of her they carry with them we miss so very much. It was hard last night and this morning when everyone was gone and it was just Stacy Cameron and I left to ourselves.