Haven’t posted since a few days after Sydney’s birthday. Honestly the days following a big event are so empty it takes all my energy just to not give in to all the feelings that come rushing in..Everyday without her is hard but for some reason this time of year seems worse. School starting, her birthday, homecomings, football games, Cameron’s birthday, Thanksgiving, Black Friday shopping and Christmas..These are the days I’m the most jealous of other Moms as I want so badly to do the things with Sydney they are getting to do..Praying they realize how much God has blessed them as I envy their life..It has been hard to live through such a traumatic loss and the additional damage a few teenagers caused..Cameron has struggled with the loss of his sister but is most bothered by the disrespect and damage he watched ppl do to his family and her..No one should have to experience something like that especially a 12 yr old..I have said from the beginning what you do matters to other ppl..He notices everything but it is the small precious gifts that help heal the pain others have caused..I have enjoyed the pictures I’ve gotten as ppl continue to remember and “PlayforJeter” but I had no idea how much it meant to Cameron or that he even noticed..Cameron follows Derrick on Instagram and he posted his Senior football picture yesterday..Cameron asked me if I saw that he posted it..I said yea why? Cameron’s comment made me cry..He said did you notice he was wearing Sydney’s “PlayforJeter” bracelet. I’m pretty good with words and explaining how I feel about something but this one I don’t know how to explain..its that feeling you get when you know someone has done something for you that you can’t repay them for even though you want to so badly..I feel it often when I know ppl have visited her at the cemetery or I meet someone I never knew and they share their story of how they meet and befriended her..giving me gifts that cost nothing but are worth everything. Since the year anniversry we have experienced more and more of these moments..I’m so appreciative of those blessings as we learn to walk through Cameron’s teenage years trusting God will not allow anger or hate to settle into his heart and that he will continually see Gods love through others. It would be so easy if everyone just loved as God asks us to..if selfishness didn’t exist and truth was the only thing spoken. Thank you all again for any prayers and..well for not judging me for being so real with where we are and the things we are walking through..I am more than greatful I am that feeling I can’t decribe for each and every one of you who refuse to give up knowing that God listens to and answers our prayers as we wait until the day we are reunited with our beautiful girl!

Here I am so I made it through another major milestone without her. Honestly it is horrible to live life and go through moments that were suppose to be for her without her. Its exhausting painful and kills me inside but the day always comes and goes because that is the way life works..I wasn’t able to plan much for her birthday because the weather said it was going to rain. I didn’t want to invite everyone out and then it start raining and have to cancel things so we just kinda went with the flow of it…Cameron was pretty persistent on sending up some kind of a birthday cake to his sister with balloons and I had ordered a sky lantern to send off..The wind was blowing as usual..but we wrapped up a heart shaped angel food cake decorated with an 18 on it and attached it to 25 balloons and sent it up to her. We weren’t sure it would fly but it did and Cameron was happy. Then we waited for about an hour until it was getting dark and started doing the sky lantern. I had never done one before so it was quite the experience. We finally got it lit with all the wind and then it collapsed back and burnt a hole in the side. We figured it was done and all the sudden it started to float up..For any of you that knew Sydney..this was the perfect Sydney moment…nothing ever goes right but it ends up working out and then you have some crazy adventure to remember. I’m thankful for all the prayers everyone sent and for the ones that were able to find time to stop by or join us..Nothing about my life will ever seem right ever again..I’m never going to be satisfied with any celebration because without her its always missing the biggest and brightest part of us..but it was as good as I guess its going to be and God continues to teach me that just as ppl had left Sydney’s life as she chose to walk with God he was faithful to provide her with people after his own heart to replace them…God has done the same for us..As we have continued to walk the path with God that we started with her..some chose to walk away from us and her memory…but if you stay trusting God it is amazing to see him replace those people in your life with Godly people who end up blessing you beyond what you thought was even possible. Again I planned nothing for her birthday but ended up spending time with and seeing post from all those we know God has put in our life. Thank you to everyone who helped get us through this tough day..Loving and missing my beautiful girl forever and always. This picture taken on her last birthday with us at midnight when she turned 16

There is an app you can put on your phone that goes back and grabs things you posted on this exact day years before on your social media..I have Sydney’s placed on my phone..This was her post 5 years ago..I remember that birthday so well..I remember them all but 13 was a mile stone the day you finally make it to being a teenager..she was so excited. I wish so badly I could go back to that day..I would probably hug her so tight I would break her..the last birthday I spent with her was 16 another mile stone that she not so patiently waited for..tomorrow is the next mile stone but she didn’t get to make it..She would be 18..My morning won’t be filled with excitement, a special breakfast, hugs, or singing..instead her room will be empty..so very empty..I’m trying my hardest to stay strong but this pain is consuming me as I face this life without her smile her laughter her excitement but mostly her love..Cameron asked if we could send her a cake attached to balloons..I told him we could most likely send a cupcake..he knows deep inside that she won’t get it..but he also knows that she will know he sent it and when your heart is broken and you are missing someone you love so much it is impossible to do nothing when you know you would have been doing so much. I learn everyday that this walk isn’t getting easier..I miss her so much more everyday I spend without her..we were a complete family with her and without her we are broken and wounded..I know for many her death came and went..time has allowed you to forget the shock and reality of it all..but for some time doesn’t allow the reality to go away..we can’t run from it or away from it..the words spoken on the news “Sydney Jeter a 16 years old high school student at A&M Consolidated was killed last night in a roll over accident” will forever be ringing in our ears..learning to live without her is a challenge we face each morning the minute our eyes open..time is a positive and a negative..as each day is a day we had to spend without her but it is also the only thing that gets us closer to seeing her..please continue to pray that God gives us the strength we are going to need to face her 18th birthday without her