Days following a big event

Haven’t posted since a few days after Sydney’s birthday. Honestly the days following a big event are so empty it takes all my energy just to not give in to all the feelings that come rushing in..Everyday without her is hard but for some reason this time of year seems worse. School starting, her birthday, homecomings, football games, Cameron’s birthday, Thanksgiving, Black Friday shopping and Christmas..These are the days I’m the most jealous of other Moms as I want so badly to do the things with Sydney they are getting to do..Praying they realize how much God has blessed them as I envy their life..It has been hard to live through such a traumatic loss and the additional damage a few teenagers caused..Cameron has struggled with the loss of his sister but is most bothered by the disrespect and damage he watched ppl do to his family and her..No one should have to experience something like that especially a 12 yr old..I have said from the beginning what you do matters to other ppl..He notices everything but it is the small precious gifts that help heal the pain others have caused..I have enjoyed the pictures I’ve gotten as ppl continue to remember and “PlayforJeter” but I had no idea how much it meant to Cameron or that he even noticed..Cameron follows Derrick on Instagram and he posted his Senior football picture yesterday..Cameron asked me if I saw that he posted it..I said yea why? Cameron’s comment made me cry..He said did you notice he was wearing Sydney’s “PlayforJeter” bracelet. I’m pretty good with words and explaining how I feel about something but this one I don’t know how to explain..its that feeling you get when you know someone has done something for you that you can’t repay them for even though you want to so badly..I feel it often when I know ppl have visited her at the cemetery or I meet someone I never knew and they share their story of how they meet and befriended me gifts that cost nothing but are worth everything. Since the year anniversry we have experienced more and more of these moments..I’m so appreciative of those blessings as we learn to walk through Cameron’s teenage years trusting God will not allow anger or hate to settle into his heart and that he will continually see Gods love through others. It would be so easy if everyone just loved as God asks us to..if selfishness didn’t exist and truth was the only thing spoken. Thank you all again for any prayers and..well for not judging me for being so real with where we are and the things we are walking through..I am more than greatful I am that feeling I can’t decribe for each and every one of you who refuse to give up knowing that God listens to and answers our prayers as we wait until the day we are reunited with our beautiful girl!

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