Monthly Archives: March 2014

The first never stop

. Grief its Real . , , , , , , ,

Haven’t posted since before spring break. Good news is we made it through a few more first without her, not without tears and heartache that is indescribable. But for whatever reason we continue to deal with new issues that continually add to our heartache. I was going to post in detail about it..but its not the time..lets just say its pretty unbelievable what people are capable of doing..not just to us or her memory..but to themselves..I wish I could just hate them but in the end my heart breaks because I know they will regret every bit of what they are doing. It is going to eat them up inside one day..The things they are chosing to do not only hurt us and her memory but is going to destroy them when they are older and realize they can’t undo some of the things they have done. I’m not sure when it will be enough, but we are weak, broken, and just want the pain to end. I sat on her floor yesterday and just screamed and cried most of the day..if only that would bring her back..I do have moments of happiness but so far they are short moments away from the pain that eats away at you from the inside..I’m trying to continue to live and I know she wouldn’t want me to be this broken, but no matter how hard I try it doesn’t happen..I still cry and miss her..I’ve accomplished a lot and continued with life but it seems so empty sometimes..Ive learned the only thing that takes a little sting off the pain is to remember her, keep people around that enjoyed her life and want to talk about her, people that cherish the things and memories she gave them as much as we do. I have been blessed with a few of her friends that include us in their lives…I’m not sure anyone can understand how much that means..I was so connected to Sydney and her life..I did everything with her she can never be replaced but for kids her age to take the time and spend and hangout with a Mom so that I can still feel included in the life of a teenager…It might sound stupid but it helps because a piece of her lives in them..some of them have a similar personality to Sydney and I feel her through them and smiling and laughing with them..The pain doesn’t stop but neither does God..he can’t take away our pain but he gives us enough of what we need to stay focused on him, and make it through another da, hopefully showing others nothing is impossible with God..He carries us when we are too weak to walk ourselves..I can not image this horrible journey without him…He is our only hope

Missing her no matter where we are

. Grief its Real . , , , , , , , ,

The last several months we have learned..we miss her no matter where we are the grocery store, the house, the mall, the beach, the truth is we miss her every second..we’ve also learned that nothing takes away the pain so we can’t avoid people, places, or things..being with the people she loved, doing the things she loved, in the places she loved is some of the closet moments we have with her so we are leaving tomorrow to head to the Frio River/Garner State Park for spring break carrying our girl every second with us in our hearts because it is impossible for us to do anything without her..we can not live life without thinking about her or wanting to see and hear her enjoying this life with us..she is forever connected to our souls and she lives forever deep within us..that will never be enough for my aching heart but its impossible for me to have it any other way..because if you could die from a broken heart💔 I wouldn’t be alive and if love could have saved her..she wouldn’t have died🙏

God continues to teach even though I don’t want to learn anymore :(

. Grief its Real . , , , , , , , ,

God continues to work on my heart..he is teaching me so much..honestly I don’t want to learn it..I don’t want to grow stronger. I want to scream NO MORE..I’ve had enough I don’t want anymore pain or bitterness in my life but for whatever reason God continues to allow our trials and pain to be magnified..I miss Sydney Lisa Jeter so much..as I’ve said before its impossible to explain the emotional torment that goes on in my mind..I would think if I had to physically explain the pain I would say it would be similar to someone tying ropes to each of my hands/arms and pulling them slowly in opposite directions..its a slow agonizing pain that has increased as we have walked through such awful betrayal. As a mom all you have left when your child leaves is her memory and how people treat that memory can hurt as bad as losing your child..especially when it is the last moments of your child’s life..God tested my faith through all of this not just my faith in him but my faith in what I saw him do in Sydney’s life..I witnessed the most beautiful change of heart in Sydney with my own eyes unlike most who can only hear it or read it..I got to see it with my own eyes..I started to question it when these lies started but then God brought me to my knees with humility..how could I question what I saw and know could only be God..he reminded me through some post of Sydney’s accident just two days before..she had a photo album on her phone labeled God and the pictures of her wrecked car were placed there..she KNEW God was in control of her life because she knew her heart and she trusted him with every bit of her life to the very last second..she spent about 6 hours in bible studies the day she died not because she had to but because she wanted to..she was at peace with her life..perfectly happy with whatever God decided for her..she was listening to him and seeking him daily..when God lifted me from my knees I thought how could anyone much less myself believe the lies that were said regarding her..then in church this morning our preacher was speaking about Judas and said even though Judas knew he was the one Jesus was talking about..he still denied it because even though He knew..he was still trying to deceive everyone else..this is a perfect parallel to our situation..even though the person knows they are lying..they continue because they are still interested in deceiving everyone else even at the expenses of my precious daughter..I learned that as much as it hurts I will not avoid betrayal in my life..I do not deserve what we have been put through..but Jesus did not deserve to be put to death for my sins..my suffering I pray is honoring and glorifying to my God..I am not strong, I am weak, I am human I have been hurt beyond what I could have ever imagined..Sydney was just an ordinary girl that struggled with the same things every other teenage girl struggles with..looking for love and happiness from the world instead of God..she made plenty of mistakes in her life..as we all do but this is why we/she need Jesus to cleanse her soul..the most amazing part..the only thing that makes Sydney any different from any other teenage girl is only her decision to find her joy happiness and love from her Father in Heaven who she now spends her days with away from the pains of this world..that..no one can take away from her..not even with lies..I’m still here walking my journey, feeling my arms pulled in opposite directions as I have to continue without her..I don’t want to..but as long as I’m living..I’m living for God..he will walk with me never leaving me and he will protect and provide Justice if not in this life for sure in the next..Psalm 37:12-15 The wicked plot against the righteous and gnash their teeth at them; but The Lord laughs at the wicked, for he knows their day is coming. The wicked draw the sword and bend the bow to bring down the poor and needy, to slay those whose ways are upright. But their swords will pierce their own hearts, and their bows will be broken..(these verses were posted by Sydney on Instagram the week before she died)