God continues to teach even though I don’t want to learn anymore :(

God continues to work on my heart..he is teaching me so much..honestly I don’t want to learn it..I don’t want to grow stronger. I want to scream NO MORE..I’ve had enough I don’t want anymore pain or bitterness in my life but for whatever reason God continues to allow our trials and pain to be magnified..I miss Sydney Lisa Jeter so much..as I’ve said before its impossible to explain the emotional torment that goes on in my mind..I would think if I had to physically explain the pain I would say it would be similar to someone tying ropes to each of my hands/arms and pulling them slowly in opposite directions..its a slow agonizing pain that has increased as we have walked through such awful betrayal. As a mom all you have left when your child leaves is her memory and how people treat that memory can hurt as bad as losing your child..especially when it is the last moments of your child’s life..God tested my faith through all of this not just my faith in him but my faith in what I saw him do in Sydney’s life..I witnessed the most beautiful change of heart in Sydney with my own eyes unlike most who can only hear it or read it..I got to see it with my own eyes..I started to question it when these lies started but then God brought me to my knees with humility..how could I question what I saw and know could only be God..he reminded me through some post of Sydney’s accident just two days before..she had a photo album on her phone labeled God and the pictures of her wrecked car were placed there..she KNEW God was in control of her life because she knew her heart and she trusted him with every bit of her life to the very last second..she spent about 6 hours in bible studies the day she died not because she had to but because she wanted to..she was at peace with her life..perfectly happy with whatever God decided for her..she was listening to him and seeking him daily..when God lifted me from my knees I thought how could anyone much less myself believe the lies that were said regarding her..then in church this morning our preacher was speaking about Judas and said even though Judas knew he was the one Jesus was talking about..he still denied it because even though He knew..he was still trying to deceive everyone else..this is a perfect parallel to our situation..even though the person knows they are lying..they continue because they are still interested in deceiving everyone else even at the expenses of my precious daughter..I learned that as much as it hurts I will not avoid betrayal in my life..I do not deserve what we have been put through..but Jesus did not deserve to be put to death for my sins..my suffering I pray is honoring and glorifying to my God..I am not strong, I am weak, I am human I have been hurt beyond what I could have ever imagined..Sydney was just an ordinary girl that struggled with the same things every other teenage girl struggles with..looking for love and happiness from the world instead of God..she made plenty of mistakes in her life..as we all do but this is why we/she need Jesus to cleanse her soul..the most amazing part..the only thing that makes Sydney any different from any other teenage girl is only her decision to find her joy happiness and love from her Father in Heaven who she now spends her days with away from the pains of this world..that..no one can take away from her..not even with lies..I’m still here walking my journey, feeling my arms pulled in opposite directions as I have to continue without her..I don’t want to..but as long as I’m living..I’m living for God..he will walk with me never leaving me and he will protect and provide Justice if not in this life for sure in the next..Psalm 37:12-15 The wicked plot against the righteous and gnash their teeth at them; but The Lord laughs at the wicked, for he knows their day is coming. The wicked draw the sword and bend the bow to bring down the poor and needy, to slay those whose ways are upright. But their swords will pierce their own hearts, and their bows will be broken..(these verses were posted by Sydney on Instagram the week before she died)