My walk tonight is all for you

Thank you for every little thought, the encouragement offered by many, and every single prayer spoken. I could not and would not have made it last night with out it. It was truly the hardest thing so far I’ve ever had to do. While planning the visitation and funeral a parent is in shock which protects them from the overwhelming emotional pain, while they may seem strong the truth is we really are just in capable of understanding the reality of what’s happening. Almost two years later I’m not protected from the “fog” or shock anymore and I FEEL the emptiness more then ever. The decision to accept her diploma and me to walk for her was not mine but Stacy’s as he felt very strongly that it was the least she deserved and probably the last time her name may ever be called aloud in Public. He said I’d rather regret doing it then regret not doing it. In the beginning as we were walking to our seats we had a moment where evil presented itself and almost caused us to leave, but instead we reminded ourselves that the only way Good can overcome Evil is if we don’t allow it to keep us from doing the good we were there to do, and not taking that moment from my precious girl. As the Graduates starting lining up to walk the stage most that new us and saw us sitting there smiled waved or stopped and hugged us. You will never understand how those small acts of love for us and Sydney allowed our focus to change and gave us the strength to finish for Sydney. I was nervous and my insides felt like mush but I kept it together with only small tears until I looked out and saw ALL of her CLASS on their feet cheering for her. It was overwhelming humbling and an experience that touched my heart like nothing before. I only wish I had gotten a picture of it so if you know anyone that might have taken a picture of that moment I would love a copy. Before I left for graduation that day I wrote my 6th poem this one titled Walk for YOU, I have put it together with the video from last night and will post it. I will end by saying It might not have been her physical body on that stage but it is HER love and spirit that guided me every step of the way

Knowing what’s coming next doesn’t take away the pain you feel now

As many get ready for Prom today (A&M Consolidated Sydney’s school) I woke up with an empty ache deep in my stomach. I cried myself to sleep last night wanting so desperately for this not to be real but unfortunately it is. I did not get to wake her up this morning and see her excitement and giddiness. I didn’t get to take her to pick out a dess and I won’t be doing her hair and makeup and taking pictures so we can share happy moments with the world..Instead I’m fighting back the tears trying my best to honor and glorify God in all I do but I still hurt I still feel I’m not a super hero I’m human and I’ve lost my beautiful girl and living without her is a battle I will face everyday for the rest of my life..God continues to show me how amazing he is and that he is with me every step of the way. Blessing me beyond what I deserve but just as Jesus knew he would raise Lazarus from the dead..I know I will be reunited with her..but Jesus still wept..he cried because knowing what’s coming next doesn’t take away the pain you feel now..Just as Jesus cried I cry for the moments I have lost. My faith no more diminishes my pain then my pain diminishes my faith. I would love to share some advice from a mom who has thought over every moment I ever had and how I would do things different..take individuals pictures of your child but most importantly take a picture with your child. Be silly hug them make memories that you look back on with a smile. I love how we didn’t overdo her makeup and I fixed her hair and she looked beyond beautiful. Love you always sweet girl