This summer has been full of heartbreak but also full of blessings..I haven’t posted since the day before Cameron’s schedule pickup..I am blessed to say that his schedule pick up went very well because people matter..Thank you Autumn Rhodes Scott for offering to walk with us if you hadn’t been on vacation and I can not Thank Lisa Treacy Edrington enough for offering and walking beside us that day..God knew she was the perfect person as Cameron is very comfortable with her since she was not only his fifth grade teacher but also a soccer mom whose daughter played with Sydney for years. She allowed me to stay distracted, not get too overwhelmed by my feelings, kept Cameron smiling and comfortable so that his first experience at middle school was positive. No I did not make it out of the school without tears but I believe my sweet boy knew that wasn’t going to be possible because when I apologized to him for crying he said it okay Mom I thought you did very well I’m so proud of you..I know I have said over and over again that people make a difference in our grief..I’m not sure if its because Sydney’s life revolved around loving others or if its like that for everyone but I will continue to say PEOPLE matter. We were blessed by some friends to take a vacation to Concan and stay with the Stockbergers and enjoyed several days on the river with them and The Heifrin’s..We were also blessed to bring along a friend of Cameron’s and one of Sydney’s sweet friends Lindsey Leigh Mitchell ..walking beside us providing support and memories knowing Sydney was proud we are still trying and haven’t given up. We couldn’t have done it without PEOPLE supporting and loving us and God is continually providing them and strength so that we aren’t completely overwhelmed with sorrow and grief..After losing Sydney we had to experience some unbelievable behavior from people we thought were going to be there for us..but God is greater than that he removed them to protect us as he often does..looking back now it is so clear..the choices they’ve made are no where near where Sydney or we desire to be..but as people were removed he blessed us with those with pure hearts and a true love for her and our family and I’m so Greatful. I just came back from my last trip to The Frio river with another one of Sydney’s amazing Mickaela Brooke Slaughter it was just me and her and she blessed me with the opportunity to have girl talk, relax in the river, tan, and even dress up and take a photo shoot. All the things little boys and husbands don’t want to do. I have always felt the closest to Sydney when I’m doing the things she loved to do, the things we did together with the people she loved and that loved her..that is when I feel her presence the strongest..Its hard for others to understand how much of a difference these things make..no it doesn’t take away the pain..we still miss her every second..we still continue to cry..but we are continuing to live, smile, and love in a world we don’t feel like we belong in anymore..and that is the biggest blessing anyone can give us..So thank you again to ALL who have stepped up and walked in that dark spot next to us..I know it isn’t easy..it will continue to be hard but you will NEVER understand what it means to this broken hearted family..Thank you for your selflessness!

I honestly didn’t think that this year could possibly be worse then last year..How could anything be worse then starting school for the first time without her? All I know is that..it IS! Both Stacy and I have been overwhelmed with grief that is crippling most of the time. Cameron is getting older and I can’t help but think about how hard it has been for him. He came into this world with a sister, he always had her to walk beside him easing his way. His shyness never matter because he was standing next to her and she wasn’t afraid of anything and if she was she didn’t show it. He gets his schedule for Middle school tomorrow. He will be at the same school she attended for the first time. All the memories of being there with her keep flashing through my mind. I wish so badly I could go back but I can’t. Its not just the memories of her but the things she wanted to do that I have to wrestle with. She used to tell Cameron that she couldn’t wait for him to go to Middle school she said “don’t worry Cam I’m going to go with you and show you were everything is” she loved being a big sister because she thrived on loving other people. This is just another one of those “future moments” I can’t help but feel was stolen from our lives. A moment that I’m forced to admit..Cameron became an only child that night and he doesn’t know how to be an only child..he’s always had her..and now we are forced to move forward without her..She doesn’t get to be there cheering for him or taking pictures with him..She doesn’t get to be there letting him know how much she LOVED him. These aren’t missed moments to have regrets about…they are moments that hadn’t happened yet..moments she had to wait for..now they are finally here but she is NOT..I’m trying so hard to be strong and happy. Cameron doesn’t deserve to have to go to schedule pickup nervous overwhelmed and with a Mom that can lose it at any moment..I have often stayed away from the question why and focused more on the HOW..How am I going to do this..How can I keep living when a part of me died..I’m not strong because I’m still here or because I keep moving…I don’t get a choice that is not me that is just life..If I am strong at all it is because I know I will fall apart tomorrow and I will see my son hurting..but that as long as I don’t give up and continue walking where God leads us he is standing right beside us catching all our tears reminding us of the promises and knowing that I will have a whole family again one day..no matter how many tears I cry or how upset I am that we must live without her.

Forever wishing I could touch her..I miss her more than I even thought possible