How can the 2nd yr be worse…I don’t know but it is

I honestly didn’t think that this year could possibly be worse then last year..How could anything be worse then starting school for the first time without her? All I know is that..it IS! Both Stacy and I have been overwhelmed with grief that is crippling most of the time. Cameron is getting older and I can’t help but think about how hard it has been for him. He came into this world with a sister, he always had her to walk beside him easing his way. His shyness never matter because he was standing next to her and she wasn’t afraid of anything and if she was she didn’t show it. He gets his schedule for Middle school tomorrow. He will be at the same school she attended for the first time. All the memories of being there with her keep flashing through my mind. I wish so badly I could go back but I can’t. Its not just the memories of her but the things she wanted to do that I have to wrestle with. She used to tell Cameron that she couldn’t wait for him to go to Middle school she said “don’t worry Cam I’m going to go with you and show you were everything is” she loved being a big sister because she thrived on loving other people. This is just another one of those “future moments” I can’t help but feel was stolen from our lives. A moment that I’m forced to admit..Cameron became an only child that night and he doesn’t know how to be an only child..he’s always had her..and now we are forced to move forward without her..She doesn’t get to be there cheering for him or taking pictures with him..She doesn’t get to be there letting him know how much she LOVED him. These aren’t missed moments to have regrets about…they are moments that hadn’t happened yet..moments she had to wait for..now they are finally here but she is NOT..I’m trying so hard to be strong and happy. Cameron doesn’t deserve to have to go to schedule pickup nervous overwhelmed and with a Mom that can lose it at any moment..I have often stayed away from the question why and focused more on the HOW..How am I going to do this..How can I keep living when a part of me died..I’m not strong because I’m still here or because I keep moving…I don’t get a choice that is not me that is just life..If I am strong at all it is because I know I will fall apart tomorrow and I will see my son hurting..but that as long as I don’t give up and continue walking where God leads us he is standing right beside us catching all our tears reminding us of the promises and knowing that I will have a whole family again one day..no matter how many tears I cry or how upset I am that we must live without her.

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