Happy Birthday Jesus I can only imagine how happy my baby girl is to be with you on your birthday. This picture was taken a year ago today. My last Christmas with my amazingly beautiful daughter. I know she is perfectly happy and that she wants nothing but for us to be happy. We try our best to stay encouraged and focus on Gods love for us and her. The pain of missing her isn’t something I can pretend doesn’t exist. Especially on a day like today. I can take pictures smile and act as though we are a whole family but we are forever missing a vital part of what made us who we are. If I could just have a little window into heaven and see her I think it would help because part of my happiness came from making her happy. I know God knows my heart and that he continues to put people in our lives to encourage us and to help us walk through this life without her. Everyone of you are an answered prayer for us and we know we are blessed. When we go out to visit Sydney and find beautiful flowers and notes to her it allows us to see the love others had for her and how much she touched others lives. Thank you all for remembering her and our family. We want everyone to remember the reason we are celebrating today because our Savior was born..again Happy Birthday Jesus and Merry Christmas to all our friends and family.
Stacy Cameron and I went to visit Sydney tonight. Her lights look so beautiful. I’m glad I got them for her. I know she looks down on and sees how beautiful we keep things for her.
This time last year I was running around trying to finish Christmas shopping and getting everything together so our family would have an amazing Holiday…this year I’m terrified…terrified what tomorrow is going to feel like for me and my family. God please we can’t take much more pain. I beg you to intercede and protect our hearts…there is no possible way to avoid the emptiness we will feel tomorrow without my baby girl waking up in the morning and picking on us, filling the house with laughter, baking cookies with my mom, calling her Dado her Christmas miracle. I just want to wake up in the morning and find my precious Sydney Lisa Jeter in her room.
We have been blessed with a beautiful place to stay in Galveston for the last 3 days thanks to Jill Peterek Presnal and family. It has been a great distraction and it is so very beautiful. No matter where we go she stays in our hearts and minds. We will be fine one minute and be falling apart the next. Cameron and I were in Galveston with Sydney just 8 days before the accident. The memories are very cherished but also very raw. Stacy and I cried ourselves to sleep last night but wake up, try to stay encouraged, and continue to find out how to survive this life without Sydney. I’m posting a pic of the 3 of us. It seemed to be missing something so we included our thoughts and the best part to include one of her Instagram post she posted 9 days before she left us encouraging people. Please continue to pray for us as Christmas is coming whether we are ready or not.
I am not crazy, I am not going to do anything that would dishonor my God or my daughter. The feelings I express on here are merely the words bleeding out of my heart. Hopefully my words will help someone understand how badly we hurt, or maybe it will remind them to take a second and pray for us, maybe it allows them to see how special and beautiful my daughter was when she was alive, or maybe it is just my way of getting them out of me so that new ones can fill there spot that may not be as raw. Sydney Lisa Jeter was not just my daughter, she was what any child is to their parents, part of my hopes my dreams my future. For the rest of my life when I wake up in the morning she will be what I think of, when I go to sleep she will be my last thought, and if God wants to share an extra blessing she will also be in my dreams at night. She was a part of me and that will never die. My desire to see her will not ease or decrease until it happens. These are natural feelings a parent has when they have lost their child. I often share post from a facebook page called Silent Grief – Child Loss Support hoping that anyone who thinks my pain is not normal will read not only her post as they speak my feeling exactly, but just for a second read the hundreds of comments from other hurting parents that have lost a child. For those that have experienced the horrific nightmare we live in…they feel the exact same way. I am not crazy I am just not who I used to be…a part of my died with her as she was a part of me. I am now a bereaved parent forever missing and remembering the amazing daughter I had that was taken from me. Nothing will ever make it better, and time does not heal. But I do believe that my God did not allow that night to happen to hurt me, a parent would never do that to a child they love and I am his child. I will wake up everyday think of my precious baby girl and know that I will start my day praying not my will God but yours. These holidays have ripped us to pieces. I think, through it al,l we have done well so far because we know we aren’t truly alone even though we feel it. God is there walking beside us every step of the way, and he has her right beside him.
The pain is more than I can handle more than I can bare more than I ever thought possible…I can not say enough or post enough to explain how challenging it is to find hope when someone you loved so much is taken from you. My life is not what I imagine or dreamed I lost a part of me not by choice but I have to have faith and believe that my God is a loving God he wouldn’t take her to destroy me. He is still there for me everyday to sustain me through this life that has now become so difficult for me. My suffering has allowed me to experience Gods love and guidance like never before as I know the depths of my pain I know it is through him I make it to the next day. I feel the emptiness around me I miss her beautiful smile, her laughter, and her love for God but I stand up and try to smile and walk forward boldly with God to honor and glorify him and to make her proud. I may feel the emptiness but God continues to bless me. He keeps Sydney Lisa Jeter light shining bright all around me every time I pick up a camera here comes the light so that I smile knowing she is right there with me shining as bright as she always did. Letting her momma know she will never be apart from me.
7/10/13…8/10/13…9/10/13…10/10/13…11/10/13 and now 12/10/13. The last month of 2013 once Jan rolls around we will be in a new year..a year that my baby never got to be alive in. Just another reminder that my precious girl is gone and not coming back. I’m trying so hard to be strong and to continue living and doing things with Stacy and Cameron. We’ve been to aggie games, high school football games, movies, bowling, fishing, disc golf, hunting, and I’m sure I’m leaving something out. We are trying to continue living to make her proud she has only been gone 5 months I think we have done pretty good however the hole in our hearts and the agonizing pain never lets up. It is a constant battle to continue living this life without her. The tears don’t stop and the pain actually seems to get worse with time. I’m scared of what the Holidays are going to do to me. I’m scared of hurting worse then I already do because I’m not sure I can take it. If it wasn’t for God I wouldn’t have made it this far. The hope he offers in eternal life with no more pain and no more tears a life spent with him and being reunited with my beautiful girl is the only thing that sustains me through the darkness. In one of the books she read that changed her heart she highlighted “if you are suffering in a manner that pleases God, keep doing what is right, and trust your lives to the God who created you, for he will never fail you 1 Peter 4:19” she knew just what to leave for me to find. Its almost as if she was talking to me from Heaven. I am just a Mom struggling everyday to find hope, and peace in this life though losing my daughter whom I loved so very much. Trying to attain the level of faith and trust she had in her God at the end of her life. I am missing her more and more each day. Love you Sydney Lisa Jeter forever and always!