The first never stop

Haven’t posted since before spring break. Good news is we made it through a few more first without her, not without tears and heartache that is indescribable. But for whatever reason we continue to deal with new issues that continually add to our heartache. I was going to post in detail about it..but its not the time..lets just say its pretty unbelievable what people are capable of doing..not just to us or her memory..but to themselves..I wish I could just hate them but in the end my heart breaks because I know they will regret every bit of what they are doing. It is going to eat them up inside one day..The things they are chosing to do not only hurt us and her memory but is going to destroy them when they are older and realize they can’t undo some of the things they have done. I’m not sure when it will be enough, but we are weak, broken, and just want the pain to end. I sat on her floor yesterday and just screamed and cried most of the day..if only that would bring her back..I do have moments of happiness but so far they are short moments away from the pain that eats away at you from the inside..I’m trying to continue to live and I know she wouldn’t want me to be this broken, but no matter how hard I try it doesn’t happen..I still cry and miss her..I’ve accomplished a lot and continued with life but it seems so empty sometimes..Ive learned the only thing that takes a little sting off the pain is to remember her, keep people around that enjoyed her life and want to talk about her, people that cherish the things and memories she gave them as much as we do. I have been blessed with a few of her friends that include us in their lives…I’m not sure anyone can understand how much that means..I was so connected to Sydney and her life..I did everything with her she can never be replaced but for kids her age to take the time and spend and hangout with a Mom so that I can still feel included in the life of a teenager…It might sound stupid but it helps because a piece of her lives in them..some of them have a similar personality to Sydney and I feel her through them and smiling and laughing with them..The pain doesn’t stop but neither does God..he can’t take away our pain but he gives us enough of what we need to stay focused on him, and make it through another da, hopefully showing others nothing is impossible with God..He carries us when we are too weak to walk ourselves..I can not image this horrible journey without him…He is our only hope

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