I don’t want to…

Stacy and I have been so emotional lately. I go to bed thinking I will wake up a little stronger and therefore will have a better day but instead I wake w/tears needing God more today than I did before. I wish so badly I could just close my door and ignore the world. I don’t want to move forward without her..I don’t want to see another Christmas without her..I don’t want to make new memories without her..I HATE THIS..because I have to whether I want to or not because life wont stop for me..Cameron was looking at pics of him and Sydney yesterday and he said find one where I don’t look so young..but that’s not possible because he grew up so much in this last year..we look at the pics and we see her and nothing changes she’s forever young but we have all changed and aged..how am I ever suppose to be okay with this and pls don’t tell me its gets easier with time because I’m going to wake up 30 years from now still missing her still wondering what she would look like still wishing I would have seen her graduate still missing the grandkids she would have given me..still not wanting to have Christmas without her but mostly still missing the special way she loved me