Settling for less is only temporary

Warning–this post could be upsetting to some due to some specific’s shared..I’ve never spoken openly about these feelings but today I can’t seem to get rid of the feelings or desire to try and explain the unexplainable..Exactly 16 years and 10 months after I held her for the first time and 2 yrs ago today with tears swelling in my eyes I laid my head on her casket for the last time..forced to physically part with her. I will tell you that at the time It was hard for me to view her..I personally fixed her hair and tried everything as I wanted desperately to have an open casket funeral..We had a beautiful eagle embroidered on the inside along with the scripture Isaiah 40:31 but the trauma she had experienced was obvious and unable to be hidden so we had to make the hard decision to close her casket. I thought I would find some peace or comfort in seeing her but It offered me NO amount of peace or comfort, only a deep rooted desire for it..I share those specific feelings from 2 yrs ago to help people understand my feelings today and how missing someone doesn’t get easier it gets harder..today I would handle that moment completely different I would most likely crawl up in the casket and lay beside her holding on as long as I was able to..as time moves on we start to settle for so much less because less is all we have..its sad for me to know that I miss her so bad I would even want that moment back. But that is my truth and my reality. Many things have changed for me over the past two years. I have learned how to live grasping hard to the less I’m offered and have always found ways to make that less as fulfilling as I can. Her spirit never leaves me..her faith fills me with encouragement and hope..but I will forever desire and miss her physically being here crawling all over me every second she could..the road and journey for a parent whose child is in heaven is unending and painful as we will never be truly satisfied with less..it’s impossible and unnatural…I survive because of Gods promises and believing that as he has promised I will spend eternity with so much MORE instead of less.

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