I wish people could understand
Some days I wish so badly for people to understand..to understand what it takes to just take a breath..Living life after you’ve lost a child is a daily battle..what I overcome today..means nothing as I wake tomorrow and face it all over again. The best example I can give is that it’s like the movie ground hog day..I get up everyday in the same horrible reality. I remember what I did yesterday and the day before and I’m able to avoid what hurts and try something new to see if I can wake tomorrow and it be over or at least the pain and agony be less..but tomorrow’s alarm goes off and as my eyes open it all starts to happen again..day after day after day..and after almost 3 years of waking up the pain and ache of living without Sydney and forever missing a part of me hasn’t went away, it hasn’t gotten better or easier..if anything it continues to get worse..I live with the frustration of knowing I can’t fix it..that no one can fix this..you can’t force yourself to feel better..its a wrong that will never be right..Truth is with each repeating day the only thing that grows and the only thing that changes is my knowledge of God and how big he is..as I look back on my repeating nightmare..I see God everywhere..it is he who has guided and protected me..he who gives me the people who understand and love the part of me that’s left. He who offers for me to join him in helping others or loving on others who are lost in this valley. It is he who uses those who come to me for help..to actually help and encourage me..it is he who gave me such a beautiful gift to miss so much..he humbles me not because I feel like I deserve something and he reminds me that I don’t..instead he humbles me because he continues to move and make things happen that can only be from him..his blessings are far greater than what I could have thought to ask for and he is willing to give those gifts to someone who may not be able to function tomorrow..someone who fights to breath..there are so many people ready to fight each day who are whole and strong..yet he continues to wake with me everyday believing more in me than I believe in myself.