Easter the cross and a deeper understanding
This week last year was one of my hardest weeks, and this year seems to be no different. I am not a person who enjoys watching torture movies or likes to hear of anyone suffering from someone else inflicting pain on them even if it is only for a moment. So when I think of this week and all that Jesus would have to endure it overwhelms me. I don’t know if it’s because honestly I’m 100 percent positive I would not have been capable of doing the same for him or because I have stood face to face with the reality that his suffering and death, saved not only me but my daughter. He did for her something that no matter how much I loved her I couldn’t do for her. I relate to some of his last moments but will never truly be able to comprehend his agony and anguish. He prayed to his father asking if there is any way for this hour to pass from him to please let it pass, but for God’s will to be done. The answer to his prayer was obviously no. I’m not sure many know the night of the accident as I drove off to look for her. Stacy fell to his knees on our front lawn and Prayed to God begging him to please let her be okay..basically we were saying if there is anyway this hour could pass for us please let it..Our answer was also no..from that moment on our life would never be the same because I KNEW every single day no matter how much I prayed, or how much I glorified God my answer was still going to be no and I would have to continue to live everyday broken fighting hard for those pieces to be enough for Cameron. The only hope we have being the promises God gave us..a promise that even though it won’t be easy it would be worth it. I have days I can’t breath, I can’t think about anything else, and I beg God to do something to ease this burden..It is such a devastating loss that at times I find myself listening to Satan’s lies that God has left us and that if he loved us he wouldn’t have taken her but the other day I was blessed to see things a different way. I said God I know you are probably the only one who truly knows the pain inside of me, you know my heart, and you know how special she was..as I’m holding my small pebble believing he has left me alone to carry this burden..He is actually holding up the mountain that is about to crush me..saying I need you to move it is not safe for you here..They key to living without Sydney is to continue to focus on living for God believing in not just John 3:16 but in every single word written in the bible. It is my protection against my flesh my mind my suffering and Satan’s lies. God needs me to keep moving, to keep walking towards him in order to survive my life without my baby girl. Please continue to pray for me and my family as we enter another Holiday without her filling our house with laughter, and craziness. Missing her is so exhausting.