Prayer and judging God’s faithfulness

A little bit of our story and the things I’ve learned from my journey

Last week I had to drive pass Sydney’s first accident site a few times. I don’t do it often but every time I do the memories flood my mind. Looking back obviously gives such a different perspective. I remember feeling so very thankful and blessed but it was impossible for me to understand what I was really spared. I remember that day and how I professed God’s faithfulness for watching over my daughter. I shouted out to the world how blessed we were that after a horrible car accident Sydney walked away without a scratch. My exact comment “I’m so blessed she is ok! Thank you God” The pictures still sit on my Facebook and Instagram and even on Sydney’s Instagram where she posted and said God was watching over her. To this day every time someone I know has an accident I see them thank God for protecting them or they will say they had a guardian angel protecting them. I’m not saying that those things aren’t blessings from God because they definitely are but unfortunately I learned from experience, how confusing it is to attach God’s faithfulness to circumstances in our lives. You see just 48 hours after I posted a picture of my daughter’s totaled car with my comment. She was in another accident (a passenger this time) and instead of shouting how blessed I was..I was sitting on the side of the road in complete shock and incapable of believing what the detective was saying to me. The next day I was faced with writing an obituary for my beautiful 16 year old daughter. I can’t explain how polar opposite those two moments felt but I can say that God truly open my eyes to the confusion our witness gives to others. We live in a broken world. A world set apart from the garden of eden where God’s protection surrounded us at all times. For those who only know of The Lord and haven’t studied his word. When they are faced with tragedy or suffering it is so easy to become confused and believe somehow God caused their tragedy or they tend to question their faith or possibly his faithfulness. I can completely understand now why this happens. I listen to Christian radio and hear over and over again how someone was in a trying time in their life and when they requested prayer God provided their needs and “faithfully” answered their prayers. I’m happy their circumstances changed but I can’t help but think of those who also prayed and did not receive the outcome they needed or desired.  It breaks my heart that the message those people hear is that God wasn’t faithful to them. That is NOT who God is. You see even Jesus prayed to his father and cried out asking for the cup to pass but we have victory and a savior because God was FAITHFUL and Jesus was obedient to follow his father’s will even when it wasn’t the answer he desired. Jesus set the perfect example of prayer when he said not my will but yours be done. If we put that one sentence on every prayer we prayed we would see that God’s faithfulness isn’t about answering prayers to make our lives upon earth easier or better and that prayer should be about voicing our hearts to God but should also be a willingness to accept his will over our desires and trusting that he will then carry us through. His faithfulness is about giving us mercy for disobeying his commands and sending his son to provide a sacrifice of grace and if we accept his gift he has promised and eternity of peace alongside him and all the other believers in heaven. Do not judge God’s faithfulness on circumstances in this life, his faithfulness reaches far beyond this world and into the lives of every believer regardless of how our prayers are answered here on earth. His faithfulness isn’t judged by whether Sydney survived that 2nd accident his faithfulness made it possible for her to live beyond this life. His faithfulness provides the only hope a grieving parent has..that this world is not the end, but rather the journey to it. His faithfulness provides the path back to the garden where we may rest for eternity in perfect peace and love. As I wake to face each day living a life I am not strong enough to live. I survive it because I know this is temporary and when I’ve made it to the end of my journey I will not only see my sweet girl again but he has promised that we will never be separated again. Now that should be what we think of when we think about, ponder, or desire answers to explain God’s faithfulness just as with every prayer we should end it with not my will but yours be done!

What if God’s answer is NO

What if God’s answer is NO..does that mean he isn’t as big…isn’t as real…isn’t as powerful..or does that just mean he didn’t love me as much as the person whose answer was “yes” I hear and read where people talk about how amazing God is because his answer to their prayers was “yes” What if your answer was NO..What if God’s will for your life wasn’t something that made you feel good, what if it was something that crushed you, ripped you to pieces..and produced a pain so great you questioned your own survival..I’m going to be honest I think sometimes people would give him more credit if Sydney had walked away that night then they do because she didn’t..because we tend to give God credit for the positives he gives instead of standing with us through the NO’s, but I’ve learned more about who God is, his sovereignty, his love, his peace, his comfort, and most importantly my BELIEF through him standing beside me through the NO..My faith is tested DAILY..It is easy to praise God through the blessings but it is much harder to praise God through the devastation. I’ve also heard people say if through a broken heart God can bring his purposes to pass in the world, then thank him for breaking your heart..I’m pretty positive I will NEVER be at a place where I can thank him for the brokenness I have experienced or the suffering still to come, but I have grown through it, I have learned he doesn’t love me less, he didn’t chose me because I was stronger..he knew this devastation was beyond my own strength..and even if he did think I was stronger..God definitely knew Stacy wasn’t..he knew he would fall to pieces searching for answers and missing her…He constantly reminds me that he didn’t promise us a perfect life, he promised us that he would be with us as we walked through it..that he would never leave us..that if we fell into his arms..he is big enough and powerful enough to carry us even if his answer is NO and if we cling to him that answer is only temporary..What if his answer is NO? Will it change your perception of God? I pray I continue to allow him to use my brokenness for his purpose..that if I must feel this pain and emptiness that he can at least use it to speak to or help someone else who might be walking through some dark time in their life and help them KNOW God is just as big and real no matter how he has answered your prayer

Sydney’s War Room

I know I’ve posted this picture before but wanted to post it again after seeing War Room. The movie touched my soul in so many different waIMG_2275ys..The majority of Sydney’s life I was lost trying to show her the right way in my own power I can see so clearly now how she suffered because of my mistakes..I thank God for the blessing of never giving up and showing me she needed him and allowing me the chance to see what a difference it made her last two months when our focus was solely on God and I knew no matter how hard I tried if I didn’t have God I couldn’t do it..God faithfully showed me when you give it to becomes beautiful. Proverbs 20:7 comes to mind..unfortunately Ive experienced this scripture through disobedience and obedience..Gods way is truly the only way that will provide peace and true positive change. I’m thankful I was given enough time to apologized to Sydney in person for the mistakes I made in trying to do it on my own. She taught me so much and I’m so grateful. God continues to show me just how passionate she was about being his disciple. The minute Ms Clara showed her “War room” I couldn’t help but think of Sydney’s prayer closet she had made more then 2 years before we even knew about this only 16 she had cleaned out half her closet made a sitting chair out of a big pillow, two pillow pets and a blanket and that’s where she went to pray and spend time with God. I am so thankful for her and all the amazing gifts of faith she left for me to find. Cameron will have such a better life because we found and followed God for more of his life and because of how much trust and faith his sister had in God. I will forever wonder how many people she would have helped “raise up” for God had she still been here..Although I know she continues to speak through her book. I sure miss her energy and love for God!!