Today the greatest gift we received is not under the tree it isn’t a gift you can see but it is a gift you feel..today God gave you his son Jesus the only opportunity we have for salvation came through him on this amazing day..The biggest gift and act of love we will ever know but also never truly understand..Happy Birthday Jesus I can only imagine the celebration in heaven that my precious Sydney gets to be a part of..I’m still so jealous I’m not there celebrating with y’all but I’m down here trying my best to honor and glorify you in all that I do

Stacy and I have been so emotional lately. I go to bed thinking I will wake up a little stronger and therefore will have a better day but instead I wake w/tears needing God more today than I did before. I wish so badly I could just close my door and ignore the world. I don’t want to move forward without her..I don’t want to see another Christmas without her..I don’t want to make new memories without her..I HATE THIS..because I have to whether I want to or not because life wont stop for me..Cameron was looking at pics of him and Sydney yesterday and he said find one where I don’t look so young..but that’s not possible because he grew up so much in this last year..we look at the pics and we see her and nothing changes she’s forever young but we have all changed and aged..how am I ever suppose to be okay with this and pls don’t tell me its gets easier with time because I’m going to wake up 30 years from now still missing her still wondering what she would look like still wishing I would have seen her graduate still missing the grandkids she would have given me..still not wanting to have Christmas without her but mostly still missing the special way she loved me

No matter where we go or what we do..she will forever be with us

Im starting by apologizing for my honesty but if I am not honest what is the point of posting at all..As thanksgiving approaches it is hard to think about the things I am thankful for when most ppl’s thanksgiving prayers include being thankful for the family that comes together and sits around the table..when my table will forever be missing my sweet girl..when we can either stay at home and cry or go to a relatives house and watch them enjoy their kids wishing things were how they used to be..but even though My heart is broken and My life is not where I want it to be..GOD is Sovereign and I know he not only understands my broken heart but he loves me anyway and I am THANKFUL for that..I am thankful for the ppl who have seen a hurting and wounded family and instead of running away they have taken the uncomfortable spot of walking beside us listening and allowing us to feel what we feel..not expecting us to get over it or to stop talking about her..but continue remembering her posting about her and honoring her with their lives..it has been hard realizing some of the ppl we gave and did so much for didn’t just walk away but instead added extra pain by attacking a grieving family..but as God has removed them I am in awe of who he has brought into our lives to help us see and walk with God and to help us remember, live for, and honor Sydney the way she would want..the way God would want..It is powerful to not only see Gods blessings among the chaos of this world but to know that when we struggle with the brokenness that we feel God doesn’t stop loving us he continues to try and encourage us to stand on truth always..When you thank God for all your family sitting around your table..hug them extra and please add our broken family to your prayers..we are Greatful for any and all prayers

So many things happening lately. Cameron is finishing up school football his last game will be Monday then only two weeks left of soccer season. He’s done well and I’m super proud of all his hard work. He knew nothing about football when he started but he played because he knew his sister always talked about how she couldn’t wait for him to play. I know she is super proud of him! We made it through another hard day Friday night. We always had the most amazing Halloweens..I loved them so much and miss them. I think the biggest change we’ve made is me returning to work. I started working again on Thursday. As I drove to work..all the memories of my mornings with Sydney and Cameron started rushing through my mind. I had thought about whether I was emotionally stable enough to even think or perform a job..but I worried so much about this piece I didn’t realize until I started driving..that this was the first time I would ever drive to work without her in the car with me..gosh the whole it puts in your heart when you realize over and over again that the world keeps moving even though I’m emotionally still stuck on the side of the road holding on to her the best that I can. I hate doing anything new in life..those huge life changes..because I’m forced to move forward in life without her..and with that comes an empty agonizing pain that is indescribable..I managed to choke down my tears and do what I needed to do..its a good job..good ppl and God blessed me with the fact that the building is adjacent to the cemetery..in my mind I tell myself she’s right next to me if I have a bad day I can literally go to the end of the parking lot and look across the field and see her headstone. I made it through two days of work without crying but the minute I get in the car the tears immediately stream down my face..each day continues to be a challenge for Stacy and I as this second year is for sure much harder than the first. We continue to seek God with all we have focusing on the promises of seeing our precious girl again..missing her laughter and craziness every second

Halloween was one of her favorite holidays..Cameron hasn’t dressed up or gotten excited about Haloween in the last 3-4 yrs but Sydney couldn’t wait..but dressed up or not we always spent it with family. I carved her a pumkin and remember the last Halloween we spent with her. Today will always be one of those days that feels so empty from the minute I open my eyes to the moment I close them..I miss you Sydney forever and always my sweet angel

Sitting with her and studying scripture is so peaceful but knowing this is the closest I will ever be to taking another picture with her is so very painful