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Your strength inspires me

. Grief its Real . , ,

I’ve heard many times “Your strength inspires me” I immediately think my strength? I am not strong I have absolutely no strength..I feel so weak and broken..my mind is constantly consumed with thoughts about her, what if’s, I still cry, I still hurt, I still miss her voice, I still miss her hugs, I still miss her craziness, I still miss watching her grow as a disciple and worship in church, I still miss our bible studies, I still miss EVERYTHING and then I have to try and ba…lance life around all that.. It makes me wonder how anyone sees strength..I think that what people see in not actually strength but rather the peace that I have because I believe and trust God more than I do the lies Satan continues to whisper to me. You see I truly only had two choices the day I lost her..One was to let Satan beat me down and destroy any purpose God had left for my life and the other was to believe and trust God and allow him to use every broken piece I had left to help him bring good out of the destruction. No matter how much I wanted having Sydney back wasn’t one of my choices..letting myself..self destruct wasn’t going to bring my baby girl back or bring any kind of peace into my life..The choice however was still mine to make..I often think about all the blessings I would have lost had I chose to not follow God’s light and guidance..The people he’s placed in my life, the things he’s taught me through obedience, the rewards are more than I could ever imagine..You see we aren’t going to ever stop bad things from happening in this world, but we are given a choice to join God as he works to help us survive this broken world..I believe it is only through my weakness that I have experienced the true power of God’s strength..If you are broken and struggling I want you to understand you don’t have to feel strong, for others to see strength you simply have to cling to God and his truth with all that you have and he does everything else.

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Speaking about Grief

. Grief its Real . ,

Last week I was given the opportunity for a 2nd yr to speak to approximately 200 1st year medical students about the loss of our daughter and the emotional, physical, and spiritual journey through our grief. I worked for the department for 8 yrs before losing Sydney and was the one to organize and arrange the speaker for this particular lecture. It’s unbelievable to me that I’m now the speaker. The purpose is to give the students an opportunity to hear, see, and ask questions in hopes of educating them on what a grieving person might go through or need. I of course do not have all the answers, but it is something I believe I have been called to use my voice for..I don’t speak for myself, but instead because of myself..as I’ve walked through my grief I’m continually reminded about all the things I could’ve done to help others but didn’t because I didn’t know what to do..My heart was overflowing with a desire to help, but yet I’m guilty of every single thing that I now know only adds to the pain..It breaks my heart as I continually think I wish I had known..A grieving person rarely reaches out, and by the time they do they are in bad shape..knowing ahead of time could help you help someone in the future. I hope no one ever takes my post personally..they are not to point fingers but instead written for the person whose heart is overflowing with a desire to help but just doesn’t know how..I was amazed at the desire these medical students had to learn what they needed so they would be able to help their future patients. I thought I would share just a few of their questions into my thoughts and emotions:

What statements should we avoid?

A lot of times uplifting encouraging statements can be very upsetting to someone grieving..all meant for good however losing a child affects the way we think..so having ppl quote Jeremiah 29:11 this is what I heard..God’s purpose in taking away my child was so that I could now prosper and have a better life..Truth that scripture was meant for someone going into battle and My life will NEVER be better or prosper more without her..Everything happens for a reason it’s part of God’s plan..what I heard..God’s plan was for my daughter to die in a car accident and me to be broken beyond repair… TRUTH regarding the wreck Sydney was a passenger in.. Everything does happen for a reason but sometimes its because we are human have free will, and make bad decisions…Her work was finished..what I heard..if I hadn’t taken her to church and she hadn’t believed and obediently served The Lord she would still be here because her work wouldn’t be finished she‘d still be lost…the TRUTH God does not wait until you are saved or finished..People die and go to hell everyday..She was only 16 her work is completely UNFINISHED. It is now up to us to help her finish it..I could go on but I think this gives a good example of how irrational our thinking is and how we relate whats being said to the pain and loss we are currently experiencing

You seem to have a good grasp on your grief when did you start feeling better?

I DON’T feel better..my heart hurts just as much today as it did the day I found out..I actually miss her more as each day passes so that continually gets worse not better..I wake up everyday and before I even open my eyes I’m already thinking about her, missing her, and acheing for her..the only explanation I can give for my grasp on my grief..is the fact I have chosen to face it, not ignore it, talk about it, and accept it on a DAILY basis..you can’t run from ignore or hide from grief..It sits there waiting and growing I’ve learned that facing it DAILY keeps the wave of emotions from overwhelming me or downing me as the wave crashes onto me. I acknowledge my daughter the blessing she is and the pain losing her has caused me EVERY SINGLE DAY.

How is your son doing, does he talk to you about her, and has he ever said what hurts or helps him?

This question was so special to me because it let me know they recognized him and realized he too lost and hurt and they cared enough to ask about him. My answer: Cameron is doing ok. He refuses to talk about pain or hurt, but does talk about his sister and how awesome she was. He feels we shouldn’t be sad because she is where she wanted to be where we all want to be and she’s happy. I believe this is a perfect example of “childlike faith” he has the ability to not see what he actually lost but see the gift she gained however even with such a positive thought process he has expressed to me a few things..he misses her friends..Now he doesn’t want them to come over and sit and “talk about it” he won’t talk about feelings EVER..but to just have someone around that knew her still caring and loving him is priceless..(a special thanks to the very few who have continued) Only 2 of his friends knew her he spent most of his time around her and her friends..his friends were never really around her..He also expressed that he just wants to be able to talk about his sister just like other people talk about theirs..When most people talk about their older siblings it’s not about what they are going to do tomorrow but what they’ve done before..for example when I say ya me and my brother used to fight on vacations and Cameron says ya my sister would always sing and dance every time we were in the car…Cameron says the minute he talks about his sister..everyone turns around looks at him and you can hear a pin drop..he hasn’t made it uncomfortable however everyone else did and now he feels like he upset people by talking about or remembering his sister..When I asked him what he missed most about her he said EVERYTHING!

How should I approach a patient who’s lost a child before becoming my patient? Should I acknowledge their child? is it okay to ask them to share with me about them or is that wrong?

If you get nothing else from my post please get this…YOU ARE NOT GOING TO REMIND ME THAT MY CHILD IS GONE…I know this every second of everyday and I mean that literally…EVERY SECOND..Of course acknowledge the loss..it never goes away..NEVER..so it’s a part a them and their past medical/emotional history, but if you want to make them love you and want them to be your patient forever…ask them to tell you a little about them, what they did that made you smile, or what you miss most about them..then say I know you haven’t moved on, because that’s impossible so please tell me what do you do to keep your child’s memory alive..Some of my best days are days I get to share Sydney with people that never knew her..After this lecture 200 more people KNOW Sydney..they saw pictures of her, and heard the stories that went with them..they learned something because of her..they cried because of her and most importantly they SMILED and LAUGHED because of her..She continues to touch people but most important she continues to LIVE because I was willing to share her.

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What if God’s answer is NO

. Grief its Real . , , , ,

What if God’s answer is NO..does that mean he isn’t as big…isn’t as real…isn’t as powerful..or does that just mean he didn’t love me as much as the person whose answer was “yes” I hear and read where people talk about how amazing God is because his answer to their prayers was “yes” What if your answer was NO..What if God’s will for your life wasn’t something that made you feel good, what if it was something that crushed you, ripped you to pieces..and produced a pain so great… you questioned your own survival..I’m going to be honest I think sometimes people would give him more credit if Sydney had walked away that night then they do because she didn’t..because we tend to give God credit for the positives he gives instead of standing with us through the NO’s, but I’ve learned more about who God is, his sovereignty, his love, his peace, his comfort, and most importantly my BELIEF through him standing beside me through the NO..My faith is tested DAILY..It is easy to praise God through the blessings but it is much harder to praise God through the devastation. I’ve also heard people say if through a broken heart God can bring his purposes to pass in the world, then thank him for breaking your heart..I’m pretty positive I will NEVER be at a place where I can thank him for the brokenness I have experienced or the suffering still to come, but I have grown through it, I have learned he doesn’t love me less, he didn’t chose me because I was stronger..he knew this devastation was beyond my own strength..and even if he did think I was stronger..God definitely knew Stacy wasn’t..he knew he would fall to pieces searching for answers and missing her…He constantly reminds me that he didn’t promise us a perfect life, he promised us that he would be with us as we walked through it..that he would never leave us..that if we fell into his arms..he is big enough and powerful enough to carry us even if his answer is NO and if we cling to him that answer is only temporary..What if his answer is NO? Will it change your perception of God? I pray I continue to allow him to use my brokenness for his purpose..that if I must feel this pain and emptiness that he can at least use it to speak to or help someone else who might be walking through some dark time in their life and help them KNOW God is just as big and real no matter how he has answered your prayer

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Sydney’s War Room

. Getting to Know Sydney . , , , ,

I know I’ve posted this picture before but wanted to post it again after seeing War Room. The movie touched my soul in so many different waIMG_2275ys..The majority of Sydney’s life I was lost trying to show her the right way in my own power I can see so clearly now how she suffered because of my mistakes..I thank God for the blessing of never giving up and showing me she needed him and allowing me the chance to see what a difference it made her last two months when our focus was solely on God and I knew no matter how hard I tried if I didn’t have God I couldn’t do it..God faithfully showed me when you give it to him..it becomes beautiful. Proverbs 20:7 comes to mind..unfortunately Ive experienced this scripture through disobedience and obedience..Gods way is truly the only way that will provide peace and true positive change. I’m thankful I was given enough time to apologized to Sydney in person for the mistakes I made in trying to do it on my own. She taught me so much and I’m so grateful. God continues to show me just how passionate she was about being his disciple. The minute Ms Clara showed her “War room” I couldn’t help but think of Sydney’s prayer closet she had made more then 2 years before we even knew about this movie..at only 16 she had cleaned out half her closet made a sitting chair out of a big pillow, two pillow pets and a blanket and that’s where she went to pray and spend time with God. I am so thankful for her and all the amazing gifts of faith she left for me to find. Cameron will have such a better life because we found and followed God for more of his life and because of how much trust and faith his sister had in God. I will forever wonder how many people she would have helped “raise up” for God had she still been here..Although I know she continues to speak through her book. I sure miss her energy and love for God!!

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KBTX coverage of I think you’re beautiful project

. I think you're beautiful . , , , , ,

My heart is overwhelmed at how God places the right people in my life giving me the opportunity to continue to share Sydney’s legacy with others. These cards were an amazing gift given to our family on the 2yr anniversary of Sydney’s accident. Jill Presnal who quietly stayed out of the spotlight today took the beautiful post it note that Sydney had left for me in my bible and made these cards for me with the idea to use them to share Sydney’s heart and love for others. What a blessing! Today I got to see Sydney continue to do what she loved to do which was make people smile and feel loved and I have no doubt she looked down on me and Jill Peterek Presnal smiling. Today I was blessed to share some of Sydney’s love and I hope it continues to spread The link from KBTX covering the story is below

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A grieving parent’s disability

. Grief its Real . , , , ,

Most people don’t look at someone with an amputated leg and expect them to become what they once were..It’s obvious when you look at them they are missing a piece of themselves..They must learn to balance..to walk…and possibly run again..but never will we look at them and expect them to have their leg back..yet many look at a grieving parent hoping and waiting for the day they are better..the day the pain eases and they have “their leg” back..Reality is..they have lost a piece of them just as if they have lost a body part..our handicap may not be visible but it is REAL..I must learn how to balance..walk..and eventually run again..but NEVER will I be whole again..I will never accept the fact that she had to leave but I have accepted the reality that she isn’t coming back..The pain of not having her will NEVER leave however I am praying for the grace to benefit from it and the willingness to let God use it to glorify him..No doubt God has been faithful to me just as he always is..I learned in an Experiencing God class years ago that God is always at work around you, you don’t have to run to a different city or another country to do his work..He has overwhelmed me with opportunities to disciple others right here as I continue to focus on him through my own handicap..but I am beyond humbled at the latest opportunity God has given me to help others..I was contacted by Kathe Hawkins a few months after Sydney’s accident and she talked about a need she saw in our community for a safe place for kids to go who have suffered loss and help them process their grief and allow them to remember their loved ones…it is not something that is easy to start, but with God all things are possible, and over a year later and her speaking and partnering with the right people her idea has a name, a building, and an amazing team that I get to be a part of..We are beginning to offer training classes for volunteers who may want to join and scheduling intake meetings for those who are in need of the services offered..I’m super excited to see the healing this facility will provide for our community and honored to know that Sydney was part of Kathe’s initial inspiration. I may not be whole, I may be unbalanced, and I may still stumble as I survive my handicap, but It continues to encourage me to know that even as broken as I am God still invites me to join him where he is at work. Please feel free to contact me if you would like any additional information

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Love getting feedback on how her book affects people’s lives!

. Sydney's Book . , , ,

I am reading Sydney’s book, I am just reading and reading and I am amazed at what a beautiful soul she is. I’m not a good writer as far as expressing my thoughts, but I am in awe of her! I really am. You and Stacy raised a gorgeous daughter, gorgeous on the outside and on the inside. Just outstanding. I know you are so proud of her. I know because I SAW it when she would visit and every time you spoke of her. Sending you, Stacy and Cameron all my love.
Thank you for the book!! I love it and will cherish it forever.

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Settling for less is only temporary

. Grief its Real . , , , , ,

Warning–this post could be upsetting to some due to some specific’s shared..I’ve never spoken openly about these feelings but today I can’t seem to get rid of the feelings or desire to try and explain the unexplainable..Exactly 16 years and 10 months after I held her for the first time and 2 yrs ago today with tears swelling in my eyes I laid my head on her casket for the last time..forced to physically part with her. I will tell you that at the time It was hard for me to view her..I personally fixed her hair and tried everything as I wanted desperately to have an open casket funeral..We had a beautiful eagle embroidered on the inside along with the scripture Isaiah 40:31 but the trauma she had experienced was obvious and unable to be hidden so we had to make the hard decision to close her casket. I thought I would find some peace or comfort in seeing her but It offered me NO amount of peace or comfort, only a deep rooted desire for it..I share those specific feelings from 2 yrs ago to help people understand my feelings today and how missing someone doesn’t get easier it gets harder..today I would handle that moment completely different I would most likely crawl up in the casket and lay beside her holding on as long as I was able to..as time moves on we start to settle for so much less because less is all we have..its sad for me to know that I miss her so bad I would even want that moment back. But that is my truth and my reality. Many things have changed for me over the past two years. I have learned how to live grasping hard to the less I’m offered and have always found ways to make that less as fulfilling as I can. Her spirit never leaves me..her faith fills me with encouragement and hope..but I will forever desire and miss her physically being here crawling all over me every second she could..the road and journey for a parent whose child is in heaven is unending and painful as we will never be truly satisfied with less..it’s impossible and unnatural…I survive because of Gods promises and believing that as he has promised I will spend eternity with so much MORE instead of less.

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2 years later

. Grief its Real . , , , , ,

I am beyond overwhelmed, beyond grateful, and beyond blessed to see and be a part of people giving back to my family the love Sydney so beautifully gave to them. It is still unbelievable to me that Friday marked 2 yrs since she left. The emptiness never leaves, what many do not understand is that for us Friday was easier then any other day easier because the one thing that eases and lifts our pain is knowing Sydney was remembered and loved beyond her short life here. Anniversary dates seem to be days others find it most appropriate to share memories, pictures, and time remembering and sharing the legacy she left. I did not spend the day celebrating..I am still human and I will never celebrate her leaving me, but I did spend my day DOING what she would have been doing if she were here. We shared God, shared love, shared food, and enjoyed the pool..with people who love her. Thank you first to a family friend Carlos who graciously cooked and provided the fajitas, for everyone who came out Friday, for all the prayers, and for anyone who showed the world a little bit of Sydney’s love..God never ceases to remind me that he not only has but will continue to shine and create good out of all the bad..It was not possible for me to get pictures of everyone or with everyone but this video includes the ones I was blessed to get..I will load all the individual pics from the slideshow in an album…Sydney Lisa Jeter may the legacy you built and the love you so amazingly gave continue to be shared. You touched so many people’s lives in a positive way and you are still sharing God with people today. Love you forever and always.

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Don’t take a moment for granted

. Grief its Real . , , , , ,

My mind is all over the place so many things the last few days reminding me of 2 yrs ago..I miss her so much I feel like I should be laying in my bed crying but every morning I get some kind of notification from her timehop or just a memory I remember of that day and instead of sorrow it fills me with encouragement and the reality of how amazingly blessed I was to have someone who loved like she did..who loved others so much that she did anything and everything to help encourage them and share what she had learned about God..because she reached out and posted on social media or sent a text I’m blessed with a beautiful reminder at the hardest time in my life from her about how amazing our God is, about how much she trusted him and how important faith is..don’t get me wrong tears still fall but they aren’t falling without the hope she left me..2 yrs ago today she totaled her car and walked away giving God all the glory for protecting her..overwhelming and emotional for me to look back on and mainly I want to say..DO NOT TAKE NOT EVEN A MOMENT FOR GRANTED..she walked away from that wreck but was gone forever less than 48 hours later..The day I meet Jesus after thanking him for all he suffered so my sin could be forgiven I will thank him for the precious gift of those two extra days because after almost 2 yrs I realize the value of every second we got with her something we often take for granted. We appreciated every second in those two days telling her over and over how much we loved her how proud we were of her and when we hugged her we hugged with meaning. When you hug your child tonight..realize the gift they are because you aren’t guaranteed to keep them forever. As we approach 2 yrs again I invite you to come help us through the day Friday. I can’t possibly send personal invites so takes this as your invite. You did not have to be her friend or know her some of my biggest blessings are the days I get to tell people who never knew her who she was..We will be sending off sky lanterns from the house at dusk. Hopefully we will see some of her friends but also our own friends it’s a tough journey and there is nothing worse than walking it alone