Tag Archives: child loss

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As the 5 year mark slowly creeps up on me

. Getting to Know Sydney, Grief its Real . , , , , , , , , , , , ,

As the 5 yr mark slowly creeps up on me..my heart starts to beat faster and the anxiety begins to flare. How in the world is this possible. It still seems so unreal. There have even been days I’ve had to stop and voice to myself She was real, she was here, and this did really happen. How have I lived this long without her? How do I keep going? How does my heart continue to beat? I’m exhausted from missing her. In the first couple of years, I dealt with the trauma of loosing her, then slowly moved into a deep depression as I struggled with the loss of joy and happiness she infused into my life. Not many changes happened in the first two years, but as year 3 approached the “she would have’s” started as the kids her age began the next steps of life like graduating and going off to college. I tried as hard as I could to focus on the blessing it was to have her instead of the pain of not having her but as hard as I try the pain is simply impossible to diminish. I slowly learned how to manage and balance the weight I constantly carry around. I can promise you TIME DOES NOT HEAL but you do learn with time what makes it better and what makes it worse. Time teaches you that you survive despite the fact that you aren’t strong enough. Time teaches you that the pain doesn’t ease but you get use to carrying the weight. Time is our biggest enemy yet is also our best friend. Each day is another day we must live missing them but each day is also a day closer to seeing them again. It is time that helps you to process the trauma of what happened, and time that forces you to face the reality that they aren’t coming back. I remember in the beginning I thought I would never see the day when I thought about her without thinking about the accident but it was time that got me to the place where I remember her and all the things she’s did without thinking of the accident. The thing that makes time unable to heal is the fact that time can not take away the missing her part. It is the one thing that over the last 5 years hasn’t changed or even slightly eased. I miss not only everything about who she was but I miss all that she would have been and all she would have done. I’m 100 percent positive I will never conquer the missing her part so I am more than thankful for the people in our lives who continue to help us remember her and keep her memory alive. The memories of our last 3 months together are filled with some of the hardest moments I ever had with her but also some of the best. I’m blessed to know that by the time..”Time” takes me to the 5 years mark, my memories and Sydney’s post and writings will continue to remind me of her heart, where she put her trust, and the faithfulness of God. It was May 10th I made a call to a friend seeking some godly wisdom..May 12th (Mother’s Day that year) that we followed the push of the Holy Spirit and walked into a church Sydney said she felt God called her to attend. Confession-Sydney had told me she felt called to go there about 6 months prior and I said NO and left absolutely no room for discussion because selfishly I didn’t want to go to a new church or a small church. I think back now and wonder what blessings my stubbornness and control stole from me in those 6 months because what followed in the next 2 months couldn’t have happened without us surrendering and trusting God to work and BELIEVING that living obediently to the scriptures was our missing piece. What a blessing to have witnessed something I can find no other words for then Agape. The ultimate, incomparable and unconditionally love God has for humankind. The next couple of months will be as impossible as they’ve always been but I know the cure to my impossibility and I will do in the next couple of months exactly what I did 5 years ago just two short months before she died..I will surrender and trust God to work but this time when I fall backwards I’m not hesitant, I’m not making sure he’s behind me, I don’t have to ask him “are you sure you going to catch me” I know without a shadow of a doubt he will be there because he hasn’t left my side. I hope you see me Sydney! I hope you see me living out the truth we were studying. You don’t need it now, but so many others still do. I love you and promise to continue using “time” to work for God, hoping to see him do for others what he did for you and for me.

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Prayer and judging God’s faithfulness

. Grief its Real . , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

A little bit of our story and the things I’ve learned from my journey

Last week I had to drive pass Sydney’s first accident site a few times. I don’t do it often but every time I do the memories flood my mind. Looking back obviously gives such a different perspective. I remember feeling so very thankful and blessed but it was impossible for me to understand what I was really spared. I remember that day and how I professed God’s faithfulness for watching over my daughter. I shouted out to the world how blessed we were that after a horrible car accident Sydney walked away without a scratch. My exact comment “I’m so blessed she is ok! Thank you God” The pictures still sit on my Facebook and Instagram and even on Sydney’s Instagram where she posted and said God was watching over her. To this day every time someone I know has an accident I see them thank God for protecting them or they will say they had a guardian angel protecting them. I’m not saying that those things aren’t blessings from God because they definitely are but unfortunately I learned from experience, how confusing it is to attach God’s faithfulness to circumstances in our lives. You see just 48 hours after I posted a picture of my daughter’s totaled car with my comment. She was in another accident (a passenger this time) and instead of shouting how blessed I was..I was sitting on the side of the road in complete shock and incapable of believing what the detective was saying to me. The next day I was faced with writing an obituary for my beautiful 16 year old daughter. I can’t explain how polar opposite those two moments felt but I can say that God truly open my eyes to the confusion our witness gives to others. We live in a broken world. A world set apart from the garden of eden where God’s protection surrounded us at all times. For those who only know of The Lord and haven’t studied his word. When they are faced with tragedy or suffering it is so easy to become confused and believe somehow God caused their tragedy or they tend to question their faith or possibly his faithfulness. I can completely understand now why this happens. I listen to Christian radio and hear over and over again how someone was in a trying time in their life and when they requested prayer God provided their needs and “faithfully” answered their prayers. I’m happy their circumstances changed but I can’t help but think of those who also prayed and did not receive the outcome they needed or desired.  It breaks my heart that the message those people hear is that God wasn’t faithful to them. That is NOT who God is. You see even Jesus prayed to his father and cried out asking for the cup to pass but we have victory and a savior because God was FAITHFUL and Jesus was obedient to follow his father’s will even when it wasn’t the answer he desired. Jesus set the perfect example of prayer when he said not my will but yours be done. If we put that one sentence on every prayer we prayed we would see that God’s faithfulness isn’t about answering prayers to make our lives upon earth easier or better and that prayer should be about voicing our hearts to God but should also be a willingness to accept his will over our desires and trusting that he will then carry us through. His faithfulness is about giving us mercy for disobeying his commands and sending his son to provide a sacrifice of grace and if we accept his gift he has promised and eternity of peace alongside him and all the other believers in heaven. Do not judge God’s faithfulness on circumstances in this life, his faithfulness reaches far beyond this world and into the lives of every believer regardless of how our prayers are answered here on earth. His faithfulness isn’t judged by whether Sydney survived that 2nd accident his faithfulness made it possible for her to live beyond this life. His faithfulness provides the only hope a grieving parent has..that this world is not the end, but rather the journey to it. His faithfulness provides the path back to the garden where we may rest for eternity in perfect peace and love. As I wake to face each day living a life I am not strong enough to live. I survive it because I know this is temporary and when I’ve made it to the end of my journey I will not only see my sweet girl again but he has promised that we will never be separated again. Now that should be what we think of when we think about, ponder, or desire answers to explain God’s faithfulness just as with every prayer we should end it with not my will but yours be done!

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That smile!

. Getting to Know Sydney, Grief its Real, Play for Jeter . , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I didn’t take many pictures of her on the side of a soccer field so this is such a rare treasure to me, however I could have taken a million and it wouldn’t be enough. Her passion for the game was as beautiful as that smile! My #missablekindofgirl #PlayForJeter 

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My heart will never be the same again

. Grief its Real . , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I want so badly to feel like I know who I am, but no matter how hard I look or how hard I try..the me that is there..I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know this pain..the unending ache that is unexplainable but ever so present and all consuming. The me that lost her daughter..NO I don’t want to know her even though I am her..It is so hard to learn to love the you..you don’t want to be.. yet that you needs more love than ever before…..I long to be who I once was..the me that was whole unbroken and incapable of understanding a pain like this..the me who wasn’t crushed by the weight of grief..the me that didn’t have to grasp for air or feel a constant ache inside my chest..the me that felt in control and stable..so how do I balance the desire to feel like I know who I am..I don’t..I wake up every day and let the ache remind me that I need God..let the missing remind me to continue making memories..let the feeling of not being loved remind me to love someone..and to let the feeling of not being in control remind me that God is..so today as I miss her more than I ever thought possible I am also reminded of how blessed I was to have her but even more blessed to know I will see her again. My journey may include darkness but I am holding tightly to the light of Life John 8:12

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Honesty, confession, humility and peace..

. Grief its Real . , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Please know that as I share my vulnerable journey not all my thoughts and actions are righteous or appropriate. I am sharing so that others can see the struggle and how the spirit of God continues to walk me through the waters to a place of repentance and even understanding as he protects me from the snares of Satan. So as I walk through the shadow of the valley of death I catch myself often thinking I didn’t deserve the suffering I am forced to endure. I loved my daughter and loved spending time with her. I did not toss her off onto others so that I could go and do things she or Cameron could not attend. I never bought or did things for myself if it meant that they may not have something they wanted or needed. I wove them into every part of our life. I never needed “my time” or a date night I simply didn’t want to miss any opportunity to enjoy them as I knew I was only guaranteed for them to be in my house for 18 yrs. Yet I never turned my back or ran from the hard moments of parenting. If I felt it was for their good and they didn’t agree I let them hate me for that moment even if it meant that I cried. So as I watch the people around me and see the news daily I find myself angry that they get to have their children specifically daughters and I don’t. They will experience weddings and grand babies and lunches or shopping dates with their grown daughter where the conversation isn’t about mean girls or stupid boys but instead about real life..they will experience their daughter growing from a teenager into a young women when they chose to throw away so many opportunities to live life with them years before. They saw their child as a responsibility but when I looked upon my daughter I valued her and cherished the gift she was..how could I possibly deserve to be the one to loose my child? 
However God does amazing things when you seek him for peace and comfort. He continually opens my eyes in a new way and shows me a picture so different than the one I’m seeing. Every feeling I struggle with above comes from a comparison of me as a parent to someone else as a parent. It is a very self focused view. Oh how humbling it was the day I sat wailing to God about these things. As always in a gentle way the spirit nudged me with the question If you compared your parenting to mine would you still feel like you deserved to keep her? If you compared your love of her to Jesus’s love of her would you still feel you deserved something different? I wish at that moment I would have felt humbled but I didn’t instead I wanted to scream even more simply because I knew I was wrong and being wrong never feels good but as I pray and fight through, God continues to reveal my entitlement but more importantly that when I take my focus off of his glory his kingdom and the over abundant love he pours out and instead start comparing my life to the world. I lose balance, lose focus and become angry and bitter. If I take a moment and imagine myself looking at The Holy God himself I could never ever say “I didn’t deserve something” because if I got what I deserved I would never have had her to begin with and I wouldn’t have the hope of ever seeing her or living in perfect peace again. I am humbled by his love and gentle redirection when I need it. I’m so undeserving yet he continues to pursue and love me anyway. 

Comparing myself to people of the world or being better than other people is not what being a disciple or Christian is all about. It is about comparing ourselves to Christ and waking up every day obediently following the word of God regardless of our circumstances or how hard it may be. The only comparison we should be doing is comparing our lives to Jesus. When we do that our humanness becomes prevalent and for me all entitlement disappears and I understood the grace he has given and the sacrifice he made. It doesn’t take away the pain of losing Sydney or the ache of missing her every second but it gives me peace and the strength I need to endure it while I’m waiting. 

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Pain and suffering-How will it affect you 

. Grief its Real . , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I do not speak about the pain and suffering I’ve experienced as a way of wallowing or whining. Actually it’s just the opposite. It takes courage to face it and even greater courage to continue sharing a journey that isn’t full of happiness and joy yet when we share we not only help others in a similar place know they aren’t alone, and their feelings aren’t wrong. We help those around them by sharing what helps and what hurts. Pointing out the promises of God to others when tears make them blurry. We take control of the pain instead of letting the pain take control of us. I might be down one day and another grieving mother chooses to share exactly what I need to hear and I may do the same for them one day. What if we choose to not speak or not share. What if the disciples choose to not speak or share? I may not be able to stop the pain I feel on a daily basis but I’m determined to find the good in it. I refuse to allow Satan to smugly laugh or smile while I suffer instead I’m determined to make him fight as hard as I am..Spiritual warfare is real and never ends but God said I have an army fighting for me in the spiritual world if they are willing to fight for me shouldn’t I be willing to fight on my side. I can either let this pain destroy me or mold me..one gives power to Satan and the other glorifies God. I can hear Sydney cheering me on. I know I still have so many battles to face as I live this life missing her every second of everyday but I faithfully believe without a shadow of a doubt that when I get to heaven I will be thankful I remained obedient in my suffering. 

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What is really important!

. Getting to Know Sydney, Grief its Real . , , , , , , , , ,

As I sit with July coming at me full speed I find myself desiring her encouragement. The kind of encouragement I’m looking for is anything she highlighted or wrote which is built on truth and is linked to an overflow of love from her heart. As I start opening drawers and opening her bibles praying to find something that will speak to me God never fails to give me just that. Finding this treasure reminds me to stay focused on God leaving NO room for doubt. I am continually blown away by her wisdom and the scriptures that spoke to her and now to me. As I continue to press into him he continues to bless me and remind me that he is near and that she IS with him. I have learned so much on this journey and I continue to share with others so they may learn from my experience without having to go through it..There is one thing that I believe is the greatest lesson and that is..the importance of teaching your children no matter what age that God is always the answer..he is always the only answer. He is the only reason I have any hope of seeing my precious girl again and that hope is the only reason I continue to fight each day. The peace of knowing she believed and loved God is the biggest blessing of all. If growing your family’s relationship with God isn’t your number one priority..CHANGE IT..I don’t care if your children are infants, toddlers, elementary age, teenagers, college students, newly married or grown adults raising their own family..It is not too late..don’t waste another minute on things that can’t survive beyond this world. Give them the only thing that secures an eternity with them. Make sure their foundation is built on God because it will be the only that will matter at the end of this life.

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Jeter Playing For Jeter

. Play for Jeter . , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Sometimes I get tears in my eyes simply because I know the blessing it is to be able to watch Cameron play soccer. There simply aren’t words to describe how much I love and cherish every moment God gives me with him. I am so proud of his passion for the game and his desire to create opportunities to work on his weaknesses and continue growing as a player. As I already posted he choose to wear number 8 (his sister’s retired number) in honor of her. What many don’t know is t…hat Sydney’s high school number her freshman year was not 8 but 18, it changed to 8 her sophomore year and she also wore 18 her last competitive season so when the accident happened they asked me if we preferred to retire 8 or 18. We decided on 8 since it was her most recent number. When Cameron was asking me which number he should choose I told him it didn’t matter they are both special. He chose 8, however last week he stepped out on the field with number 18 when I saw him I couldn’t help but smile. It was a beautiful surprise. There is no greater feeling than watching him find ways to let her play with him and keep her a part of his life. I am in awe of the gifts God has given me and I am so grateful that he chose me to be their MOM.

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Are you in the middle?

. Grief its Real . , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I used to think that bad things didn’t happen to good people..when I look back now I can see I felt that way because I was only processing the part of the bible I wanted to..When I thought about Daniel and the lions den I thought about his victory and survival. I paid attention to the beginning and the end but not the middle. I see now that God unveiled his faithfulness to others at the end but in the middle is where God is personally at work and proves his faithfulness to you. The middle is where we experience God in ways that allow us to see things differently and grow closer to him. The middle is where without God you can’t survive..The middle doesn’t feel good and it isn’t comfortable..the middle is where the potter’s pottery is spinning and the shape is changing and if you continue to stay in the potters hands the middle is where that crazy piece of clay that looks messy and disfigured is spun into something beautiful. Without the middle you’re just a piece of clay but after going through the middle you look different to the world. That’s when they can see God’s work within you. If your in the middle trust and know that the middle is where you get to meet God personally🙏🏻

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Beauty out of Ashes 

. Getting to Know Sydney, Grief its Real, Sydney's Book . , , , , , , , , , , ,

‪I remember the day I stood face to face w/my faith..face to face w/my belief in the word..the day I had to answer the question Is God alone enough..just days before Sydney and I were discussing this very subject. I assured her that as long as she had God the rest didn’t matter. Honestly at the time I was thinking that if you had God then everything else in life would fall into place. I was encouraging her to trust that if God was asking her to remove people from her life that even if he didn’t replace them, as long as she had God she had all she needed. So she began putting space between the relationships she felt didn’t honor God. Some she knew would die completely but some she felt she could still hold onto as long as she was wearing the amour of God when she was with them. If she was keeping the relationship her sole desire was to bring them into a relationship with God alongside her. She purposely and strategically thought about how when and where she would hang out with them. She decided one on one would be better than the usual group atmosphere as it was easier to protect herself and keep her focus on God. She made sure the environment she hung out with them in was a safe place for her..she invited them to her house and asked me to help her continue to honor God even when the get together wasn’t a bible study and the person didn’t know God. So the day I stood face to face with not only my faith and belief but death and a separation I could never have even imagined was 7/11/13 not 7/10/13 because yes Sydney took her last breathe on 7/10/13 but it wasn’t until 3am on 7/11/13 when I was told my daughter didn’t make it and it was 7/11/13 when I sat at my kitchen table wondering how I could survive..scared I would never feel joy and happiness again..the day the question started roaring through my mind “Is God alone enough?” I knew what the right answer was and began to realize the real question roaring through my mind was.. Did I BELIEVE God alone was enough. Before this moment in my life I had not ever had to truly answer this question..Don’t get me wrong I surely thought I had answered it I thought I had stepped out in faith but I was whole unbroken and strong. I had never faced a moment where I didn’t feel I was sort of in control. I’ve never been a materialistic person. The things that made me happy we’re people not things. I had all I needed in my life..life was not perfect..it was not a fairy tale..but my family was taking our issues to God and solving them with the word of God..so I felt at peace protected and was watching God sweep Sydney off her feet. The love and light that shined through her was nothing I had ever seen before. Sidenote: (For all those moms who want your daughters to be loved..stop teaching them they need to find this love from the world or a man..the love that will change their life is simply the LOVE OF GOD ALONE..but they can’t believe it, if you don’t believe it) I’ve always said your faith grows not in reading the word but instead when you experience God, when you live out the word when you see and feel God working in and around your life and there was no doubt God was everywhere we turned. So that day I sat there with Sydney it was easy for me to tell her God alone is enough because I had never stood face to face with the reality of it..I had never had to stand before the Giant with only a stone and I had never had to step into the burning fire trusting and believing that God would fulfill his promise and bring me out alive or walk into the raging Red Sea trusting God to separate the waters and I had never had to face a day without one of the most precious gifts I had ever received. She was everything I dreamed of and then a million times more..I continually asked God how..how was I suppose to survive when he took one of the best pieces of me..the question continued to roar in my head “Is God alone enough?”..thinking continually on my moments with Sydney knowing whole heartedly I did believe it..I believed it when I told her and I believed it now because his word says it..and if his word says it then it is truth..My relationship with God changed at that moment b/c starting this day I could not move without him..my baby was gone and the devastation was all consuming..I didn’t want to spend a day away from her and certainly not years..but I survive because of God and God alone..I survive because I know God is real because I can’t survive this yet I am..I survive because my faith and belief are REAL..I survive because it may be years but it won’t be eternity..I have seen the beauty brought out of the ashes..I have seen God bring good from the bad..He continues to allow Sydney’s life to touch people he continues to allow her to share wisdom truth and her testimony with people and she’s not even here..the beauty that comes from the ashes wont make it right and it will NEVER be ok..but it is real..it is a gift..It is Gods way of reminding me of his faithfulness..reminding me that HE ALONE IS ENOUGH. My life continues to change and be a challenge but I face each day knowing I can silence the roaring question..I may not have battled a giant or faced hungry lions but I have faced death and just as God was with them and brought them through it he is with me and brings me through it..mine is not a short fight..one throw of a stone and I won..it’s a long journey but I’m thankful I don’t live in circumstances but instead I live in truth and that truth gives me hope for something more than the circumstances I face in this life. That truth reminds me this life is temporary therefore this pain and suffering will not last forever. That truth is the reason I continue.