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Tag Archives: grief
I wish people could understand
Some days I wish so badly for people to understand..to understand what it takes to just take a breath..Living life after you’ve lost a child is a daily battle..what I overcome today..means nothing as I wake tomorrow and face it all over again. The best example I can give is that it’s like the movie ground hog day..I get up everyday in the same horrible reality. I remember what I did yesterday and the day before and I’m able to avoid what hurts and try something new to see if I can wake tomorrow and it be over or at least the pain and agony be less..but tomorrow’s alarm goes off and as my eyes open it all starts to happen again..day after day after day..and after almost 3 years of waking up the pain and ache of living without Sydney and forever missing a part of me hasn’t went away, it hasn’t gotten better or easier..if anything it continues to get worse..I live with the frustration of knowing I can’t fix it..that no one can fix this..you can’t force yourself to feel better..its a wrong that will never be right..Truth is with each repeating day the only thing that grows and the only thing that changes is my knowledge of God and how big he is..as I look back on my repeating nightmare..I see God everywhere..it is he who has guided and protected me..he who gives me the people who understand and love the part of me that’s left. He who offers for me to join him in helping others or loving on others who are lost in this valley. It is he who uses those who come to me for help..to actually help and encourage me..it is he who gave me such a beautiful gift to miss so much..he humbles me not because I feel like I deserve something and he reminds me that I don’t..instead he humbles me because he continues to move and make things happen that can only be from him..his blessings are far greater than what I could have thought to ask for and he is willing to give those gifts to someone who may not be able to function tomorrow..someone who fights to breath..there are so many people ready to fight each day who are whole and strong..yet he continues to wake with me everyday believing more in me than I believe in myself.
Sydney always liked to take pictures on Easter in the bluebonnets❤️Happy Easter Sydney we’re forever missing you
Bluebonnets and Sydney ❤
Erin’s Dream Race
As my alarm went off this morning I knew my day would be filled with memories of one of the most amazing girls I’ve ever met. Memories of her passion on the soccer field her intelligence and sencerity and mostly her joy for life. The memories of course don’t stop there..I remembered Sydney’s time spent with Erin and the affect that Erin’s life had on her. After Sydney ran her first 5k (the Amarillo Dash) on March 7, 2010 she began talking to me about how she wished someone would start a 5k memory run in Erin’s honor. Erin had lost her battle with Neuroblastoma in April of 2009. Throughout the next 3 years she continued to bring up her desires to do a 5k for Erin. Even though time passed Erin never left Sydney’s heart. In high school her electives followed a health track and after Sydney’s accident I found in her school papers where she had a couple of writing prompts one about if she was given 100,000 what she would do with it and another if she could cure any disease what would she choose. In both cases one written Oct 11, 2011 and one written Oct 13, 2011 she mentioned Research for Neutoblastoma the specific cancer that her friend died from. When I heard last year about Erin’s Dream Race I couldn’t help but think about how happy Sydney would have been that Erin’s life and efforts towards cancer research would be honored..and of course tears fell as I knew she wouldn’t get to be a part of it. So for the second year, Stacy Cameron and I attended hoping that the Buenger’s feel not only the love we have for Erin but the love Sydney had for her as well. Today while we were walking I imagined Erin and Sydney together laughing, and watching as Erin’s life continues to help others by raising awareness and money for childhood cancer research. What an honor to know and love her! I’m including pictures from today and Sydney’s writings. We’ve also been blessed to walk with one of Sydney and Erin’s friends (Lindsey Mitchell) these last two years. She’s a beautiful example of how true love never dies!
Video 3rd Annual Sydney L. Jeter Memorial Soccer Game
Again I am overwhelmed and blown away by the support and love this community continues to show to Sydney and our family. This year as I sat in the stands I was surrounded by parents who had no child on the field, but they were there to support the Lady Tiger Soccer team and Coaches as they continue to play a memorial game in honor of Sydney and what her life meant to the A&M Consolidated Lady Tiger Soccer Program. When I lost Sydney I had in my mind the people I thought would walk next to us, but as time moves on I’ve realized the people you thought would never leave..do..but then you are overwhelmed when you realized the people who step in..unafraid to stand next to you..cry with you..and most importantly share stories and pictures with you. The soccer community whether competitive league or high school has given more than I ever imagined. People often say competitive soccer is about making money..I am proof it is not..I believe almost all of Sydney’s competitive coaches not only came to her funeral but were there for the 1st memorial game (7 months after the accident) and a few consistently at EVERYONE of them..this is above and beyond what someone would do if it was about making money. This is what you do when you are part of a family and that is how the soccer community makes me feel..like we are forever part of their family. I know Sydney feels all the love the soccer community has shown her and I’m so grateful to be a part of such an amazing family⚽️
Nothing will ever come between us..I’ll be standing right next to you!
Today is 2 1/2 yrs..2 1/2 yrs since I got to wrap my arms around her and hug her..There’s never a second of the day I’m not thinking about and missing her. I wish so badly that knowing she’s standing right next to me could some how satisfy my aching heart but my flesh will never be satisfied until the day we are reunited with her again. Until then I will fix my eyes and heart on God and live my life honoring her every step of the way. Forever loving and missing you Sydney Lisa Jeter
I hope the angels know what they have
One of my favorite I love you Sydney. Forever my #missablekindofgirl
Relieved it’s over
I have never been more relieved for a season to be over than I am for Thanksgiving and Christmas to finally be through. The last two months have felt like a slow steady torture to my heart and soul. The mental and spiritual battle has been exhausting as I wrestled with hating a day but loving so deeply the reason for it..I continued to battle my feelings of devastation by thinking about how thankful I am for Jesus, his birth and the sacrifice he made for me..Unfortunately as I was forced to go out and participate in buying presents..I didn’t feel the love of God around me..I felt the commercialization and excessive buying..the feeling of ppl buying happiness instead of giving gifts that are filled with personal meaning and thought..this only magnified the emptiness and lost feelings I was wanting so badly to avoid as my happiness can’t be found in something bought but instead in the love and memories I’ve made..Thoughts constantly running through my mind about how much would be missing from our tree and the inability to fill it..Wanting desperately to find the joy everyone is praying for us to find but understanding that is not where God has me right now..I’m not throwing a pity party Im not dwelling on her loss..I’m missing her..who she was and the sheer enjoyment she brought to our lives..I noticed Cameron was also looking for her and for a way to include her..it was his idea to take pictures with her cross..Stacy had put all his gifts together but noticed two were missing..one a bible similar to Sydney’s I later found beside his bed and the other a personalized soccer ball he carried around with him that says “PlayForJeter”❤️It does make me feel a little joy knowing that he too finds his happiness in gifts that were not the most expensive by monetary means but priceless to him because of the love and meaning attached. So I’m relieved to no longer struggle with wrestling spiritually with the over overindulgence of Christmas surrounding me and constantly feeling pressure to find joy in something that makes me feel so awful.
What I used to love I now almost hate
Halloween used to provide so much excitement and happiness for our family. It was one of the holidays we looked forward to..I would have easily said I loved Halloween but now it provides so much pain and emptiness. The last two years we stayed home not really participating in the holiday so when Cameron wanted to join our friends and their family for Halloween I was excited and happy but as the days got closer the emptiness seemed to be continually moving in on me. I will say I fought hard and am very grateful that I got to see my son participate in Halloween for the first time since his sister’s accident. I will never feel the same about Halloween..it takes everything in me not to hate it. It is so hard to continue living for Cameron when I’m dying inside. I couldn’t have made it with out two of my amazing friends who are willing to let us be a part of their families celebration no matter how broken or how bad I’m hurting. Life doesn’t stop and you truly never realize how many holidays there are until they provide pain instead of joy. Thankful God has blessed us with amazing friends who aren’t scared of tears and are willing to love and include us no matter what..
Your strength inspires me
I’ve heard many times “Your strength inspires me” I immediately think my strength? I am not strong I have absolutely no strength..I feel so weak and broken..my mind is constantly consumed with thoughts about her, what if’s, I still cry, I still hurt, I still miss her voice, I still miss her hugs, I still miss her craziness, I still miss watching her grow as a disciple and worship in church, I still miss our bible studies, I still miss EVERYTHING and then I have to try and ba…lance life around all that.. It makes me wonder how anyone sees strength..I think that what people see in not actually strength but rather the peace that I have because I believe and trust God more than I do the lies Satan continues to whisper to me. You see I truly only had two choices the day I lost her..One was to let Satan beat me down and destroy any purpose God had left for my life and the other was to believe and trust God and allow him to use every broken piece I had left to help him bring good out of the destruction. No matter how much I wanted having Sydney back wasn’t one of my choices..letting myself..self destruct wasn’t going to bring my baby girl back or bring any kind of peace into my life..The choice however was still mine to make..I often think about all the blessings I would have lost had I chose to not follow God’s light and guidance..The people he’s placed in my life, the things he’s taught me through obedience, the rewards are more than I could ever imagine..You see we aren’t going to ever stop bad things from happening in this world, but we are given a choice to join God as he works to help us survive this broken world..I believe it is only through my weakness that I have experienced the true power of God’s strength..If you are broken and struggling I want you to understand you don’t have to feel strong, for others to see strength you simply have to cling to God and his truth with all that you have and he does everything else.
A Legacy of a Lifetime 