Tag Archives: grieving parent

Honesty, confession, humility and peace..

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Please know that as I share my vulnerable journey not all my thoughts and actions are righteous or appropriate. I am sharing so that others can see the struggle and how the spirit of God continues to walk me through the waters to a place of repentance and even understanding as he protects me from the snares of Satan. So as I walk through the shadow of the valley of death I catch myself often thinking I didn’t deserve the suffering I am forced to endure. I loved my daughter and loved spending time with her. I did not toss her off onto others so that I could go and do things she or Cameron could not attend. I never bought or did things for myself if it meant that they may not have something they wanted or needed. I wove them into every part of our life. I never needed “my time” or a date night I simply didn’t want to miss any opportunity to enjoy them as I knew I was only guaranteed for them to be in my house for 18 yrs. Yet I never turned my back or ran from the hard moments of parenting. If I felt it was for their good and they didn’t agree I let them hate me for that moment even if it meant that I cried. So as I watch the people around me and see the news daily I find myself angry that they get to have their children specifically daughters and I don’t. They will experience weddings and grand babies and lunches or shopping dates with their grown daughter where the conversation isn’t about mean girls or stupid boys but instead about real life..they will experience their daughter growing from a teenager into a young women when they chose to throw away so many opportunities to live life with them years before. They saw their child as a responsibility but when I looked upon my daughter I valued her and cherished the gift she was..how could I possibly deserve to be the one to loose my child? 
However God does amazing things when you seek him for peace and comfort. He continually opens my eyes in a new way and shows me a picture so different than the one I’m seeing. Every feeling I struggle with above comes from a comparison of me as a parent to someone else as a parent. It is a very self focused view. Oh how humbling it was the day I sat wailing to God about these things. As always in a gentle way the spirit nudged me with the question If you compared your parenting to mine would you still feel like you deserved to keep her? If you compared your love of her to Jesus’s love of her would you still feel you deserved something different? I wish at that moment I would have felt humbled but I didn’t instead I wanted to scream even more simply because I knew I was wrong and being wrong never feels good but as I pray and fight through, God continues to reveal my entitlement but more importantly that when I take my focus off of his glory his kingdom and the over abundant love he pours out and instead start comparing my life to the world. I lose balance, lose focus and become angry and bitter. If I take a moment and imagine myself looking at The Holy God himself I could never ever say “I didn’t deserve something” because if I got what I deserved I would never have had her to begin with and I wouldn’t have the hope of ever seeing her or living in perfect peace again. I am humbled by his love and gentle redirection when I need it. I’m so undeserving yet he continues to pursue and love me anyway. 

Comparing myself to people of the world or being better than other people is not what being a disciple or Christian is all about. It is about comparing ourselves to Christ and waking up every day obediently following the word of God regardless of our circumstances or how hard it may be. The only comparison we should be doing is comparing our lives to Jesus. When we do that our humanness becomes prevalent and for me all entitlement disappears and I understood the grace he has given and the sacrifice he made. It doesn’t take away the pain of losing Sydney or the ache of missing her every second but it gives me peace and the strength I need to endure it while I’m waiting. 

Pain and suffering-How will it affect you 

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I do not speak about the pain and suffering I’ve experienced as a way of wallowing or whining. Actually it’s just the opposite. It takes courage to face it and even greater courage to continue sharing a journey that isn’t full of happiness and joy yet when we share we not only help others in a similar place know they aren’t alone, and their feelings aren’t wrong. We help those around them by sharing what helps and what hurts. Pointing out the promises of God to others when tears make them blurry. We take control of the pain instead of letting the pain take control of us. I might be down one day and another grieving mother chooses to share exactly what I need to hear and I may do the same for them one day. What if we choose to not speak or not share. What if the disciples choose to not speak or share? I may not be able to stop the pain I feel on a daily basis but I’m determined to find the good in it. I refuse to allow Satan to smugly laugh or smile while I suffer instead I’m determined to make him fight as hard as I am..Spiritual warfare is real and never ends but God said I have an army fighting for me in the spiritual world if they are willing to fight for me shouldn’t I be willing to fight on my side. I can either let this pain destroy me or mold me..one gives power to Satan and the other glorifies God. I can hear Sydney cheering me on. I know I still have so many battles to face as I live this life missing her every second of everyday but I faithfully believe without a shadow of a doubt that when I get to heaven I will be thankful I remained obedient in my suffering. 

Jeter Playing For Jeter

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Sometimes I get tears in my eyes simply because I know the blessing it is to be able to watch Cameron play soccer. There simply aren’t words to describe how much I love and cherish every moment God gives me with him. I am so proud of his passion for the game and his desire to create opportunities to work on his weaknesses and continue growing as a player. As I already posted he choose to wear number 8 (his sister’s retired number) in honor of her. What many don’t know is t…hat Sydney’s high school number her freshman year was not 8 but 18, it changed to 8 her sophomore year and she also wore 18 her last competitive season so when the accident happened they asked me if we preferred to retire 8 or 18. We decided on 8 since it was her most recent number. When Cameron was asking me which number he should choose I told him it didn’t matter they are both special. He chose 8, however last week he stepped out on the field with number 18 when I saw him I couldn’t help but smile. It was a beautiful surprise. There is no greater feeling than watching him find ways to let her play with him and keep her a part of his life. I am in awe of the gifts God has given me and I am so grateful that he chose me to be their MOM.

Are you in the middle?

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I used to think that bad things didn’t happen to good people..when I look back now I can see I felt that way because I was only processing the part of the bible I wanted to..When I thought about Daniel and the lions den I thought about his victory and survival. I paid attention to the beginning and the end but not the middle. I see now that God unveiled his faithfulness to others at the end but in the middle is where God is personally at work and proves his faithfulness to you. The middle is where we experience God in ways that allow us to see things differently and grow closer to him. The middle is where without God you can’t survive..The middle doesn’t feel good and it isn’t comfortable..the middle is where the potter’s pottery is spinning and the shape is changing and if you continue to stay in the potters hands the middle is where that crazy piece of clay that looks messy and disfigured is spun into something beautiful. Without the middle you’re just a piece of clay but after going through the middle you look different to the world. That’s when they can see God’s work within you. If your in the middle trust and know that the middle is where you get to meet God personally🙏🏻

Beauty out of Ashes 

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‪I remember the day I stood face to face w/my faith..face to face w/my belief in the word..the day I had to answer the question Is God alone enough..just days before Sydney and I were discussing this very subject. I assured her that as long as she had God the rest didn’t matter. Honestly at the time I was thinking that if you had God then everything else in life would fall into place. I was encouraging her to trust that if God was asking her to remove people from her life that even if he didn’t replace them, as long as she had God she had all she needed. So she began putting space between the relationships she felt didn’t honor God. Some she knew would die completely but some she felt she could still hold onto as long as she was wearing the amour of God when she was with them. If she was keeping the relationship her sole desire was to bring them into a relationship with God alongside her. She purposely and strategically thought about how when and where she would hang out with them. She decided one on one would be better than the usual group atmosphere as it was easier to protect herself and keep her focus on God. She made sure the environment she hung out with them in was a safe place for her..she invited them to her house and asked me to help her continue to honor God even when the get together wasn’t a bible study and the person didn’t know God. So the day I stood face to face with not only my faith and belief but death and a separation I could never have even imagined was 7/11/13 not 7/10/13 because yes Sydney took her last breathe on 7/10/13 but it wasn’t until 3am on 7/11/13 when I was told my daughter didn’t make it and it was 7/11/13 when I sat at my kitchen table wondering how I could survive..scared I would never feel joy and happiness again..the day the question started roaring through my mind “Is God alone enough?” I knew what the right answer was and began to realize the real question roaring through my mind was.. Did I BELIEVE God alone was enough. Before this moment in my life I had not ever had to truly answer this question..Don’t get me wrong I surely thought I had answered it I thought I had stepped out in faith but I was whole unbroken and strong. I had never faced a moment where I didn’t feel I was sort of in control. I’ve never been a materialistic person. The things that made me happy we’re people not things. I had all I needed in my life..life was not perfect..it was not a fairy tale..but my family was taking our issues to God and solving them with the word of God..so I felt at peace protected and was watching God sweep Sydney off her feet. The love and light that shined through her was nothing I had ever seen before. Sidenote: (For all those moms who want your daughters to be loved..stop teaching them they need to find this love from the world or a man..the love that will change their life is simply the LOVE OF GOD ALONE..but they can’t believe it, if you don’t believe it) I’ve always said your faith grows not in reading the word but instead when you experience God, when you live out the word when you see and feel God working in and around your life and there was no doubt God was everywhere we turned. So that day I sat there with Sydney it was easy for me to tell her God alone is enough because I had never stood face to face with the reality of it..I had never had to stand before the Giant with only a stone and I had never had to step into the burning fire trusting and believing that God would fulfill his promise and bring me out alive or walk into the raging Red Sea trusting God to separate the waters and I had never had to face a day without one of the most precious gifts I had ever received. She was everything I dreamed of and then a million times more..I continually asked God how..how was I suppose to survive when he took one of the best pieces of me..the question continued to roar in my head “Is God alone enough?”..thinking continually on my moments with Sydney knowing whole heartedly I did believe it..I believed it when I told her and I believed it now because his word says it..and if his word says it then it is truth..My relationship with God changed at that moment b/c starting this day I could not move without him..my baby was gone and the devastation was all consuming..I didn’t want to spend a day away from her and certainly not years..but I survive because of God and God alone..I survive because I know God is real because I can’t survive this yet I am..I survive because my faith and belief are REAL..I survive because it may be years but it won’t be eternity..I have seen the beauty brought out of the ashes..I have seen God bring good from the bad..He continues to allow Sydney’s life to touch people he continues to allow her to share wisdom truth and her testimony with people and she’s not even here..the beauty that comes from the ashes wont make it right and it will NEVER be ok..but it is real..it is a gift..It is Gods way of reminding me of his faithfulness..reminding me that HE ALONE IS ENOUGH. My life continues to change and be a challenge but I face each day knowing I can silence the roaring question..I may not have battled a giant or faced hungry lions but I have faced death and just as God was with them and brought them through it he is with me and brings me through it..mine is not a short fight..one throw of a stone and I won..it’s a long journey but I’m thankful I don’t live in circumstances but instead I live in truth and that truth gives me hope for something more than the circumstances I face in this life. That truth reminds me this life is temporary therefore this pain and suffering will not last forever. That truth is the reason I continue.

It doesn’t matter where he goes he never fails to bring her memory with him

. Getting to Know Sydney, Grief its Real, Play for Jeter . , , , , , , , ,

This young man blows me away..It is not just the athlete that he is..it is the Man he has become. It doesn’t matter where he goes he never fails to bring Sydney’s memory with him, but this time when I looked out on the field, he was standing next to a teammate and I saw not one Play For Jeter bracelet but two.  You see that bracelet is something my family recognizes without even trying, so to look through the lens and see number 87 standing next to Derrick I immediately noticed it..I can only imagine the joy Sydney feels knowing that Derrick has shared a little bit of her story with his teammates. As far as our family, there is no greater gift than the gift of knowing that Sydney is not only remembered and loved by Derrick, but that she is..in the only way she can..still meeting new people and touching their lives in some way. However with Derrick is doesn’t stop there.  He doesn’t have to but he continues to allow us to be a part of his life, to join him on his journey, to be there for Cameron offering advice and guidance as he walks through high school.  It’s hard to explain, but after losing a child, a lot of people become uncomfortable around you, or choose to avoid you..Derrick makes us feel a little less broken and a little more normal..He treats us just like he always did when Sydney was here, and for that we are grateful. We love to watch him play this game, and I always know that as I’m taking pictures I’m going to capture a pic of him smiling and that always makes me smile.  Thank you Derrick for everything!

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Happy 20th Birthday Sydney Lisa Jeter

. Getting to Know Sydney, Grief its Real, I think you're beautiful, Sydney's Book . , , , , , , , , , , ,

My heart is so broken because you were just so amazing. From the little spitfire at 18 months old so boldly telling me to leave you alone to the amazing young lady you became who desired nothing more than to share the love of God you found with other who felt broken and worthless. I wonder what your earthly birthday is like in heaven I know you probably don’t celebrate being born on this earth in heaven but I wonder do you celebrate that as the day you met me and your daddy for the first time? This is my 4th birthday without you, but it still hurts as bad as the 1st one. I thought I would bless your page with a little bit of you. Happy 20th birthday my forever 16 year old baby girl. I love you FOREVER AND ALWAYS Sydney Lisa Jeter

Happy Father’s Day: Sydney’s “dancing” was filled a little with dancing and a lot with adventures

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Sydney loved to love people and I know she would have taken the time to make sure everyone knew how much she loved and adored her Daddy.  Happy Fathers Day Stacy

Video 3rd Annual Sydney L. Jeter Memorial Soccer Game

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Again I am overwhelmed and blown away by the support and love this community continues to show to Sydney and our family. This year as I sat in the stands I was surrounded by parents who had no child on the field, but they were there to support the Lady Tiger Soccer team and Coaches as they continue to play a memorial game in honor of Sydney and what her life meant to the A&M Consolidated Lady Tiger Soccer Program. When I lost Sydney I had in my mind the people I thought would walk next to us, but as time moves on I’ve realized the people you thought would never leave..do..but then you are overwhelmed when you realized the people who step in..unafraid to stand next to you..cry with you..and most importantly share stories and pictures with you. The soccer community whether competitive league or high school has given more than I ever imagined. People often say competitive soccer is about making money..I am proof it is not..I believe almost all of Sydney’s competitive coaches not only came to her funeral but were there for the 1st memorial game (7 months after the accident) and a few consistently at EVERYONE of them..this is above and beyond what someone would do if it was about making money. This is what you do when you are part of a family and that is how the soccer community makes me feel..like we are forever part of their family. I know Sydney feels all the love the soccer community has shown her and I’m so grateful to be a part of such an amazing family⚽️

Nothing will ever come between us..I’ll be standing right next to you!

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Today is 2 1/2 yrs..2 1/2 yrs since I got to wrap my arms around her and hug her..There’s never a second of the day I’m not thinking about and missing her. I wish so badly that knowing she’s standing right next to me could some how satisfy my aching heart but my flesh will never be satisfied until the day we are reunited with her again. Until then I will fix my eyes and heart on God and live my life honoring her every step of the way. Forever loving and missing you Sydney Lisa Jeter