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When they said the second year is the hardest

. Grief its Real . , , ,

When they said the second year was harder I didn’t think that could be possible but I’m learning never to doubt what the ones who have walked before me say. It seems like now when I have a good day I spend the next week in the pits of depression and misery. I think I have come to a place where its impossible for me not to fake it. I tell people I’m doing okay..that its a dark road but I’m making it..that is true but reality is I’m surviving..still breathing..but I’m not okay at all..I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be living in memories I want to be making them with her. I know she is still with me I know she lives in my heart but no matter how close I am to her now it is still too far way. The minute I take my focus off of God and I think about my current situation and not where I will be I find myself laying on her floor screaming crying and falling apart. My life has become what the scriptures have said apart from him we are nothing. I’m so thankful for his promise that there will be a day when I feel none of this pain anymore.

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Play for Jeter homecoming

. Play for Jeter . , ,

Sydney had some amazing best friends and we are so thankful that they continue to walk beside us forever helping us remember how special she was. I wanted to make sure I took the time and honored those who have sent me pics letting me know they are “Playing for Jeter” so it was the focus of the mum I made her for homecoming. I miss her more and more everyday but I’m forever honoring her with all that I have..Love you Sydney Lisa Jeter I hope you love it

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Days following a big event

. Grief its Real . , , ,

Haven’t posted since a few days after Sydney’s birthday. Honestly the days following a big event are so empty it takes all my energy just to not give in to all the feelings that come rushing in..Everyday without her is hard but for some reason this time of year seems worse. School starting, her birthday, homecomings, football games, Cameron’s birthday, Thanksgiving, Black Friday shopping and Christmas..These are the days I’m the most jealous of other Moms as I want so badly to do the things with Sydney they are getting to do..Praying they realize how much God has blessed them as I envy their life..It has been hard to live through such a traumatic loss and the additional damage a few teenagers caused..Cameron has struggled with the loss of his sister but is most bothered by the disrespect and damage he watched ppl do to his family and her..No one should have to experience something like that especially a 12 yr old..I have said from the beginning what you do matters to other ppl..He notices everything but it is the small precious gifts that help heal the pain others have caused..I have enjoyed the pictures I’ve gotten as ppl continue to remember and “PlayforJeter” but I had no idea how much it meant to Cameron or that he even noticed..Cameron follows Derrick on Instagram and he posted his Senior football picture yesterday..Cameron asked me if I saw that he posted it..I said yea why? Cameron’s comment made me cry..He said did you notice he was wearing Sydney’s “PlayforJeter” bracelet. I’m pretty good with words and explaining how I feel about something but this one I don’t know how to explain..its that feeling you get when you know someone has done something for you that you can’t repay them for even though you want to so badly..I feel it often when I know ppl have visited her at the cemetery or I meet someone I never knew and they share their story of how they meet and befriended her..giving me gifts that cost nothing but are worth everything. Since the year anniversry we have experienced more and more of these moments..I’m so appreciative of those blessings as we learn to walk through Cameron’s teenage years trusting God will not allow anger or hate to settle into his heart and that he will continually see Gods love through others. It would be so easy if everyone just loved as God asks us to..if selfishness didn’t exist and truth was the only thing spoken. Thank you all again for any prayers and..well for not judging me for being so real with where we are and the things we are walking through..I am more than greatful I am that feeling I can’t decribe for each and every one of you who refuse to give up knowing that God listens to and answers our prayers as we wait until the day we are reunited with our beautiful girl!

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Major milestone–Happy 18th Birthday Sydney

. Grief its Real . , , ,

Here I am so I made it through another major milestone without her. Honestly it is horrible to live life and go through moments that were suppose to be for her without her. Its exhausting painful and kills me inside but the day always comes and goes because that is the way life works..I wasn’t able to plan much for her birthday because the weather said it was going to rain. I didn’t want to invite everyone out and then it start raining and have to cancel things so we just kinda went with the flow of it…Cameron was pretty persistent on sending up some kind of a birthday cake to his sister with balloons and I had ordered a sky lantern to send off..The wind was blowing as usual..but we wrapped up a heart shaped angel food cake decorated with an 18 on it and attached it to 25 balloons and sent it up to her. We weren’t sure it would fly but it did and Cameron was happy. Then we waited for about an hour until it was getting dark and started doing the sky lantern. I had never done one before so it was quite the experience. We finally got it lit with all the wind and then it collapsed back and burnt a hole in the side. We figured it was done and all the sudden it started to float up..For any of you that knew Sydney..this was the perfect Sydney moment…nothing ever goes right but it ends up working out and then you have some crazy adventure to remember. I’m thankful for all the prayers everyone sent and for the ones that were able to find time to stop by or join us..Nothing about my life will ever seem right ever again..I’m never going to be satisfied with any celebration because without her its always missing the biggest and brightest part of us..but it was as good as I guess its going to be and God continues to teach me that just as ppl had left Sydney’s life as she chose to walk with God he was faithful to provide her with people after his own heart to replace them…God has done the same for us..As we have continued to walk the path with God that we started with her..some chose to walk away from us and her memory…but if you stay trusting God it is amazing to see him replace those people in your life with Godly people who end up blessing you beyond what you thought was even possible. Again I planned nothing for her birthday but ended up spending time with and seeing post from all those we know God has put in our life. Thank you to everyone who helped get us through this tough day..Loving and missing my beautiful girl forever and always. This picture taken on her last birthday with us at midnight when she turned 16
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Sydney’s post 5 years ago

. Grief its Real . , , ,

There is an app you can put on your phone that goes back and grabs things you posted on this exact day years before on your social media..I have Sydney’s placed on my phone..This was her post 5 years ago..I remember that birthday so well..I remember them all but 13 was a mile stone the day you finally make it to being a teenager..she was so excited. I wish so badly I could go back to that day..I would probably hug her so tight I would break her..the last birthday I spent with her was 16 another mile stone that she not so patiently waited for..tomorrow is the next mile stone but she didn’t get to make it..She would be 18..My morning won’t be filled with excitement, a special breakfast, hugs, or singing..instead her room will be empty..so very empty..I’m trying my hardest to stay strong but this pain is consuming me as I face this life without her smile her laughter her excitement but mostly her love..Cameron asked if we could send her a cake attached to balloons..I told him we could most likely send a cupcake..he knows deep inside that she won’t get it..but he also knows that she will know he sent it and when your heart is broken and you are missing someone you love so much it is impossible to do nothing when you know you would have been doing so much. I learn everyday that this walk isn’t getting easier..I miss her so much more everyday I spend without her..we were a complete family with her and without her we are broken and wounded..I know for many her death came and went..time has allowed you to forget the shock and reality of it all..but for some time doesn’t allow the reality to go away..we can’t run from it or away from it..the words spoken on the news “Sydney Jeter a 16 years old high school student at A&M Consolidated was killed last night in a roll over accident” will forever be ringing in our ears..learning to live without her is a challenge we face each morning the minute our eyes open..time is a positive and a negative..as each day is a day we had to spend without her but it is also the only thing that gets us closer to seeing her..please continue to pray that God gives us the strength we are going to need to face her 18th birthday without her

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Play for Jeter

. Play for Jeter . , , ,

Posted by one of our dear friends Kristi Weithorn

On the field playing in JV then suits up for Varsity Cheerleading! Love this boy so much and proud to be his mom! Even in the excitement of it all it was important for him to play for our angel Sydney. My heart swells with love…

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The things I cherish

. Getting to Know Sydney, Grief its Real . , , , , , ,

I love it when people say she looked like me..She was so beautiful love and miss you Sydney Lisa Jeter

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Looking to help someone grieving..walk beside them

. Grief its Real . , , , , ,

This summer has been full of heartbreak but also full of blessings..I haven’t posted since the day before Cameron’s schedule pickup..I am blessed to say that his schedule pick up went very well because people matter..Thank you Autumn Rhodes Scott for offering to walk with us if you hadn’t been on vacation and I can not Thank Lisa Treacy Edrington enough for offering and walking beside us that day..God knew she was the perfect person as Cameron is very comfortable with her since she was not only his fifth grade teacher but also a soccer mom whose daughter played with Sydney for years. She allowed me to stay distracted, not get too overwhelmed by my feelings, kept Cameron smiling and comfortable so that his first experience at middle school was positive. No I did not make it out of the school without tears but I believe my sweet boy knew that wasn’t going to be possible because when I apologized to him for crying he said it okay Mom I thought you did very well I’m so proud of you..I know I have said over and over again that people make a difference in our grief..I’m not sure if its because Sydney’s life revolved around loving others or if its like that for everyone but I will continue to say PEOPLE matter. We were blessed by some friends to take a vacation to Concan and stay with the Stockbergers and enjoyed several days on the river with them and The Heifrin’s..We were also blessed to bring along a friend of Cameron’s and one of Sydney’s sweet friends Lindsey Leigh Mitchell ..walking beside us providing support and memories knowing Sydney was proud we are still trying and haven’t given up. We couldn’t have done it without PEOPLE supporting and loving us and God is continually providing them and strength so that we aren’t completely overwhelmed with sorrow and grief..After losing Sydney we had to experience some unbelievable behavior from people we thought were going to be there for us..but God is greater than that he removed them to protect us as he often does..looking back now it is so clear..the choices they’ve made are no where near where Sydney or we desire to be..but as people were removed he blessed us with those with pure hearts and a true love for her and our family and I’m so Greatful. I just came back from my last trip to The Frio river with another one of Sydney’s amazing Mickaela Brooke Slaughter it was just me and her and she blessed me with the opportunity to have girl talk, relax in the river, tan, and even dress up and take a photo shoot. All the things little boys and husbands don’t want to do. I have always felt the closest to Sydney when I’m doing the things she loved to do, the things we did together with the people she loved and that loved her..that is when I feel her presence the strongest..Its hard for others to understand how much of a difference these things make..no it doesn’t take away the pain..we still miss her every second..we still continue to cry..but we are continuing to live, smile, and love in a world we don’t feel like we belong in anymore..and that is the biggest blessing anyone can give us..So thank you again to ALL who have stepped up and walked in that dark spot next to us..I know it isn’t easy..it will continue to be hard but you will NEVER understand what it means to this broken hearted family..Thank you for your selflessness!

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How can the 2nd yr be worse…I don’t know but it is

. Grief its Real . , , , , ,

I honestly didn’t think that this year could possibly be worse then last year..How could anything be worse then starting school for the first time without her? All I know is that..it IS! Both Stacy and I have been overwhelmed with grief that is crippling most of the time. Cameron is getting older and I can’t help but think about how hard it has been for him. He came into this world with a sister, he always had her to walk beside him easing his way. His shyness never matter because he was standing next to her and she wasn’t afraid of anything and if she was she didn’t show it. He gets his schedule for Middle school tomorrow. He will be at the same school she attended for the first time. All the memories of being there with her keep flashing through my mind. I wish so badly I could go back but I can’t. Its not just the memories of her but the things she wanted to do that I have to wrestle with. She used to tell Cameron that she couldn’t wait for him to go to Middle school she said “don’t worry Cam I’m going to go with you and show you were everything is” she loved being a big sister because she thrived on loving other people. This is just another one of those “future moments” I can’t help but feel was stolen from our lives. A moment that I’m forced to admit..Cameron became an only child that night and he doesn’t know how to be an only child..he’s always had her..and now we are forced to move forward without her..She doesn’t get to be there cheering for him or taking pictures with him..She doesn’t get to be there letting him know how much she LOVED him. These aren’t missed moments to have regrets about…they are moments that hadn’t happened yet..moments she had to wait for..now they are finally here but she is NOT..I’m trying so hard to be strong and happy. Cameron doesn’t deserve to have to go to schedule pickup nervous overwhelmed and with a Mom that can lose it at any moment..I have often stayed away from the question why and focused more on the HOW..How am I going to do this..How can I keep living when a part of me died..I’m not strong because I’m still here or because I keep moving…I don’t get a choice that is not me that is just life..If I am strong at all it is because I know I will fall apart tomorrow and I will see my son hurting..but that as long as I don’t give up and continue walking where God leads us he is standing right beside us catching all our tears reminding us of the promises and knowing that I will have a whole family again one day..no matter how many tears I cry or how upset I am that we must live without her.