Today the greatest gift we received is not under the tree it isn’t a gift you can see but it is a gift you feel..today God gave you his son Jesus the only opportunity we have for salvation came through him on this amazing day..The biggest gift and act of love we will ever know but also never truly understand..Happy Birthday Jesus I can only imagine the celebration in heaven that my precious Sydney gets to be a part of..I’m still so jealous I’m not there celebrating with y’all but I’m down here trying my best to honor and glorify you in all that I do

Stacy and I have been so emotional lately. I go to bed thinking I will wake up a little stronger and therefore will have a better day but instead I wake w/tears needing God more today than I did before. I wish so badly I could just close my door and ignore the world. I don’t want to move forward without her..I don’t want to see another Christmas without her..I don’t want to make new memories without her..I HATE THIS..because I have to whether I want to or not because life wont stop for me..Cameron was looking at pics of him and Sydney yesterday and he said find one where I don’t look so young..but that’s not possible because he grew up so much in this last year..we look at the pics and we see her and nothing changes she’s forever young but we have all changed and aged..how am I ever suppose to be okay with this and pls don’t tell me its gets easier with time because I’m going to wake up 30 years from now still missing her still wondering what she would look like still wishing I would have seen her graduate still missing the grandkids she would have given me..still not wanting to have Christmas without her but mostly still missing the special way she loved me

No matter where we go or what we do..she will forever be with us

Im starting by apologizing for my honesty but if I am not honest what is the point of posting at all..As thanksgiving approaches it is hard to think about the things I am thankful for when most ppl’s thanksgiving prayers include being thankful for the family that comes together and sits around the table..when my table will forever be missing my sweet girl..when we can either stay at home and cry or go to a relatives house and watch them enjoy their kids wishing things were how they used to be..but even though My heart is broken and My life is not where I want it to be..GOD is Sovereign and I know he not only understands my broken heart but he loves me anyway and I am THANKFUL for that..I am thankful for the ppl who have seen a hurting and wounded family and instead of running away they have taken the uncomfortable spot of walking beside us listening and allowing us to feel what we feel..not expecting us to get over it or to stop talking about her..but continue remembering her posting about her and honoring her with their lives..it has been hard realizing some of the ppl we gave and did so much for didn’t just walk away but instead added extra pain by attacking a grieving family..but as God has removed them I am in awe of who he has brought into our lives to help us see and walk with God and to help us remember, live for, and honor Sydney the way she would want..the way God would want..It is powerful to not only see Gods blessings among the chaos of this world but to know that when we struggle with the brokenness that we feel God doesn’t stop loving us he continues to try and encourage us to stand on truth always..When you thank God for all your family sitting around your table..hug them extra and please add our broken family to your prayers..we are Greatful for any and all prayers

So many things happening lately. Cameron is finishing up school football his last game will be Monday then only two weeks left of soccer season. He’s done well and I’m super proud of all his hard work. He knew nothing about football when he started but he played because he knew his sister always talked about how she couldn’t wait for him to play. I know she is super proud of him! We made it through another hard day Friday night. We always had the most amazing Halloweens..I loved them so much and miss them. I think the biggest change we’ve made is me returning to work. I started working again on Thursday. As I drove to work..all the memories of my mornings with Sydney and Cameron started rushing through my mind. I had thought about whether I was emotionally stable enough to even think or perform a job..but I worried so much about this piece I didn’t realize until I started driving..that this was the first time I would ever drive to work without her in the car with me..gosh the whole it puts in your heart when you realize over and over again that the world keeps moving even though I’m emotionally still stuck on the side of the road holding on to her the best that I can. I hate doing anything new in life..those huge life changes..because I’m forced to move forward in life without her..and with that comes an empty agonizing pain that is indescribable..I managed to choke down my tears and do what I needed to do..its a good job..good ppl and God blessed me with the fact that the building is adjacent to the cemetery..in my mind I tell myself she’s right next to me if I have a bad day I can literally go to the end of the parking lot and look across the field and see her headstone. I made it through two days of work without crying but the minute I get in the car the tears immediately stream down my face..each day continues to be a challenge for Stacy and I as this second year is for sure much harder than the first. We continue to seek God with all we have focusing on the promises of seeing our precious girl again..missing her laughter and craziness every second

Halloween was one of her favorite holidays..Cameron hasn’t dressed up or gotten excited about Haloween in the last 3-4 yrs but Sydney couldn’t wait..but dressed up or not we always spent it with family. I carved her a pumkin and remember the last Halloween we spent with her. Today will always be one of those days that feels so empty from the minute I open my eyes to the moment I close them..I miss you Sydney forever and always my sweet angel

Sitting with her and studying scripture is so peaceful but knowing this is the closest I will ever be to taking another picture with her is so very painful

When they said the second year was harder I didn’t think that could be possible but I’m learning never to doubt what the ones who have walked before me say. It seems like now when I have a good day I spend the next week in the pits of depression and misery. I think I have come to a place where its impossible for me not to fake it. I tell people I’m doing okay..that its a dark road but I’m making it..that is true but reality is I’m surviving..still breathing..but I’m not okay at all..I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be living in memories I want to be making them with her. I know she is still with me I know she lives in my heart but no matter how close I am to her now it is still too far way. The minute I take my focus off of God and I think about my current situation and not where I will be I find myself laying on her floor screaming crying and falling apart. My life has become what the scriptures have said apart from him we are nothing. I’m so thankful for his promise that there will be a day when I feel none of this pain anymore.

Haven’t posted since a few days after Sydney’s birthday. Honestly the days following a big event are so empty it takes all my energy just to not give in to all the feelings that come rushing in..Everyday without her is hard but for some reason this time of year seems worse. School starting, her birthday, homecomings, football games, Cameron’s birthday, Thanksgiving, Black Friday shopping and Christmas..These are the days I’m the most jealous of other Moms as I want so badly to do the things with Sydney they are getting to do..Praying they realize how much God has blessed them as I envy their life..It has been hard to live through such a traumatic loss and the additional damage a few teenagers caused..Cameron has struggled with the loss of his sister but is most bothered by the disrespect and damage he watched ppl do to his family and her..No one should have to experience something like that especially a 12 yr old..I have said from the beginning what you do matters to other ppl..He notices everything but it is the small precious gifts that help heal the pain others have caused..I have enjoyed the pictures I’ve gotten as ppl continue to remember and “PlayforJeter” but I had no idea how much it meant to Cameron or that he even noticed..Cameron follows Derrick on Instagram and he posted his Senior football picture yesterday..Cameron asked me if I saw that he posted it..I said yea why? Cameron’s comment made me cry..He said did you notice he was wearing Sydney’s “PlayforJeter” bracelet. I’m pretty good with words and explaining how I feel about something but this one I don’t know how to explain..its that feeling you get when you know someone has done something for you that you can’t repay them for even though you want to so badly..I feel it often when I know ppl have visited her at the cemetery or I meet someone I never knew and they share their story of how they meet and befriended her..giving me gifts that cost nothing but are worth everything. Since the year anniversry we have experienced more and more of these moments..I’m so appreciative of those blessings as we learn to walk through Cameron’s teenage years trusting God will not allow anger or hate to settle into his heart and that he will continually see Gods love through others. It would be so easy if everyone just loved as God asks us to..if selfishness didn’t exist and truth was the only thing spoken. Thank you all again for any prayers and..well for not judging me for being so real with where we are and the things we are walking through..I am more than greatful I am that feeling I can’t decribe for each and every one of you who refuse to give up knowing that God listens to and answers our prayers as we wait until the day we are reunited with our beautiful girl!

Here I am so I made it through another major milestone without her. Honestly it is horrible to live life and go through moments that were suppose to be for her without her. Its exhausting painful and kills me inside but the day always comes and goes because that is the way life works..I wasn’t able to plan much for her birthday because the weather said it was going to rain. I didn’t want to invite everyone out and then it start raining and have to cancel things so we just kinda went with the flow of it…Cameron was pretty persistent on sending up some kind of a birthday cake to his sister with balloons and I had ordered a sky lantern to send off..The wind was blowing as usual..but we wrapped up a heart shaped angel food cake decorated with an 18 on it and attached it to 25 balloons and sent it up to her. We weren’t sure it would fly but it did and Cameron was happy. Then we waited for about an hour until it was getting dark and started doing the sky lantern. I had never done one before so it was quite the experience. We finally got it lit with all the wind and then it collapsed back and burnt a hole in the side. We figured it was done and all the sudden it started to float up..For any of you that knew Sydney..this was the perfect Sydney moment…nothing ever goes right but it ends up working out and then you have some crazy adventure to remember. I’m thankful for all the prayers everyone sent and for the ones that were able to find time to stop by or join us..Nothing about my life will ever seem right ever again..I’m never going to be satisfied with any celebration because without her its always missing the biggest and brightest part of us..but it was as good as I guess its going to be and God continues to teach me that just as ppl had left Sydney’s life as she chose to walk with God he was faithful to provide her with people after his own heart to replace them…God has done the same for us..As we have continued to walk the path with God that we started with her..some chose to walk away from us and her memory…but if you stay trusting God it is amazing to see him replace those people in your life with Godly people who end up blessing you beyond what you thought was even possible. Again I planned nothing for her birthday but ended up spending time with and seeing post from all those we know God has put in our life. Thank you to everyone who helped get us through this tough day..Loving and missing my beautiful girl forever and always. This picture taken on her last birthday with us at midnight when she turned 16