We are not doing well. The more time goes by the harder it is to find hope. I know I will see her again but I can’t imagine spending years like this. Its hard for people to understand and I honestly hope they never have to because you will never understand unless you experience it. I used to think the same way. Encouraging words and telling people they will see them again and thinking that was enough..its not enough to replace your precious child that you lived for since they were kicking inside of you. I cry more than I smile or laugh. She was so full of life constantly had me running and laughing. I miss watching her play soccer and love all over her family and friends. I try so hard to be somewhat normal for Cameron but he’s so different then her. He’s content being at home even if I offer he doesn’t want to go or do anything. Which allows me all this extra time she filled up to just sit and cry. Stacy feels the exact same way he’s a mess but strong at the same time. The strength he has shown to be there when I’m falling apart is a blessing I will forever be thankful for. He says often He’s going to make sure he is everything she ever wanted him to be. We learn that God will be our bridegroom or our father so when we lose a spouse or parent its natural to look for God to fill the gap but God is never our child he never falls to that spot as we are his children so I look for him to fill the gap and it just doesn’t happen. He is there to walk with me and comfort me but the emptiness is forever growing as he has my sweet baby girl with him.

I had amazing weekend with my amazing friends. They made me laugh and enjoy a little of life through my broken heart. Missing her has gotten worse, the loneliness, the need to be with her, nothing seems to help so being able to laugh off and on for a few days is something I am most grateful for. The house gets quieter and quieter as people move on with their lives. The pieces of her they carry with them we miss so very much. It was hard last night and this morning when everyone was gone and it was just Stacy Cameron and I left to ourselves.

Last week I smiled a little this week however seems to be impossible. Its unreal the amount of pain someone can feel and still be alive. I keep praying for God to protect Cameron and give us the strength to provide him with the life he deserves, but there is no way to pretend his life hasn’t been affected. He loved his sister and no longer has her. We as parents are changed forever by the loss of our precious Sydney. No matter how strong we are or how hard we try to make his life what it would have been we can’t because it would have been with her. He was born into this world with a sister, he never lived a day without her and his life is forever changed by her not being with us. He doesn’t want to participate in Halloween. He didn’t say why just that he doesn’t want to, but all I can think about is how she took him around last year, and the year before. His life will forever be missing her and it doesn’t matter if I wipe all the tears away before he gets home, smile more or laugh with him. I don’t ask why he took her because I really don’t want to know but I do find myself asking why he gave her so many amazing gifts and talents, why did he allow her to be someone we can’t live without if he was going to take her so young? Stacy called the other day and said lets promised whoever sees her first tells her how much the other one missed and loved her everyday…I live in his word everyday just to be able to survive and make it to the next day. God’s promises of being with him and being reunited with her is what we all 3 live for.

Today marks 100 days without one of the biggest and loving personalities I have ever known. I miss her so much. Words can’t really describe. I appreciate all the prayers and support everyone has given us through this storm that seems to continue to darken. Stacy will often tell me that this is wrong and more than unfair. We lost our baby girl, all the dreams she had. She won’t be there for Cameron’s first girlfriend, his school sports, his graduation, ect… He misses his sister just as much as we do…I thought I would share what I’ve learned these last 100 days…life has changed forever..it doesn’t get easier it gets harder..no matter how much you’ve done its never enough when their gone forever..crying becomes as natural as waking up…tears don’t dry up..thinking about the future feels like someone is ripping your heart out…what people think becomes important especially since all we have left is what people remember and their thoughts of her…even when you want to sit in your pity and not move God will send someone to lift you up and make you thankful…no matter how much you grab onto things nothing gives you the feeling of her being here and loving all over us…love doesn’t stop it continues to grow…even if you think you can’t live without someone you don’t always get that choice…I’m so thankful for all the out of the ordinary things I did with her…no matter how many times I fall God is faithful to pick me up and give me the strength I need to make it to the next day even when I didn’t think it was possible…missing her never stops… Sydney Lisa Jeter you will be with me forever and always.