This summer has been full of heartbreak but also full of blessings..I haven’t posted since the day before Cameron’s schedule pickup..I am blessed to say that his schedule pick up went very well because people matter..Thank you Autumn Rhodes Scott for offering to walk with us if you hadn’t been on vacation and I can not Thank Lisa Treacy Edrington enough for offering and walking beside us that day..God knew she was the perfect person as Cameron is very comfortable with her since she was not only his fifth grade teacher but also a soccer mom whose daughter played with Sydney for years. She allowed me to stay distracted, not get too overwhelmed by my feelings, kept Cameron smiling and comfortable so that his first experience at middle school was positive. No I did not make it out of the school without tears but I believe my sweet boy knew that wasn’t going to be possible because when I apologized to him for crying he said it okay Mom I thought you did very well I’m so proud of you..I know I have said over and over again that people make a difference in our grief..I’m not sure if its because Sydney’s life revolved around loving others or if its like that for everyone but I will continue to say PEOPLE matter. We were blessed by some friends to take a vacation to Concan and stay with the Stockbergers and enjoyed several days on the river with them and The Heifrin’s..We were also blessed to bring along a friend of Cameron’s and one of Sydney’s sweet friends Lindsey Leigh Mitchell ..walking beside us providing support and memories knowing Sydney was proud we are still trying and haven’t given up. We couldn’t have done it without PEOPLE supporting and loving us and God is continually providing them and strength so that we aren’t completely overwhelmed with sorrow and grief..After losing Sydney we had to experience some unbelievable behavior from people we thought were going to be there for us..but God is greater than that he removed them to protect us as he often does..looking back now it is so clear..the choices they’ve made are no where near where Sydney or we desire to be..but as people were removed he blessed us with those with pure hearts and a true love for her and our family and I’m so Greatful. I just came back from my last trip to The Frio river with another one of Sydney’s amazing Mickaela Brooke Slaughter it was just me and her and she blessed me with the opportunity to have girl talk, relax in the river, tan, and even dress up and take a photo shoot. All the things little boys and husbands don’t want to do. I have always felt the closest to Sydney when I’m doing the things she loved to do, the things we did together with the people she loved and that loved her..that is when I feel her presence the strongest..Its hard for others to understand how much of a difference these things make..no it doesn’t take away the pain..we still miss her every second..we still continue to cry..but we are continuing to live, smile, and love in a world we don’t feel like we belong in anymore..and that is the biggest blessing anyone can give us..So thank you again to ALL who have stepped up and walked in that dark spot next to us..I know it isn’t easy..it will continue to be hard but you will NEVER understand what it means to this broken hearted family..Thank you for your selflessness!

I honestly didn’t think that this year could possibly be worse then last year..How could anything be worse then starting school for the first time without her? All I know is that..it IS! Both Stacy and I have been overwhelmed with grief that is crippling most of the time. Cameron is getting older and I can’t help but think about how hard it has been for him. He came into this world with a sister, he always had her to walk beside him easing his way. His shyness never matter because he was standing next to her and she wasn’t afraid of anything and if she was she didn’t show it. He gets his schedule for Middle school tomorrow. He will be at the same school she attended for the first time. All the memories of being there with her keep flashing through my mind. I wish so badly I could go back but I can’t. Its not just the memories of her but the things she wanted to do that I have to wrestle with. She used to tell Cameron that she couldn’t wait for him to go to Middle school she said “don’t worry Cam I’m going to go with you and show you were everything is” she loved being a big sister because she thrived on loving other people. This is just another one of those “future moments” I can’t help but feel was stolen from our lives. A moment that I’m forced to admit..Cameron became an only child that night and he doesn’t know how to be an only child..he’s always had her..and now we are forced to move forward without her..She doesn’t get to be there cheering for him or taking pictures with him..She doesn’t get to be there letting him know how much she LOVED him. These aren’t missed moments to have regrets about…they are moments that hadn’t happened yet..moments she had to wait for..now they are finally here but she is NOT..I’m trying so hard to be strong and happy. Cameron doesn’t deserve to have to go to schedule pickup nervous overwhelmed and with a Mom that can lose it at any moment..I have often stayed away from the question why and focused more on the HOW..How am I going to do this..How can I keep living when a part of me died..I’m not strong because I’m still here or because I keep moving…I don’t get a choice that is not me that is just life..If I am strong at all it is because I know I will fall apart tomorrow and I will see my son hurting..but that as long as I don’t give up and continue walking where God leads us he is standing right beside us catching all our tears reminding us of the promises and knowing that I will have a whole family again one day..no matter how many tears I cry or how upset I am that we must live without her.

Forever wishing I could touch her..I miss her more than I even thought possible

I told myself from day one..I would never fake it or act as though I am okay when in reality I’m dying inside. In the beginning so many accept your sadness and are willing to “face it” but Lets be honest..none of us want to see someone hurting..or be around people that are sad..some simply don’t want to be around because its easy for them to forget their own pain if they can ignore yours..I understand and must accept others decisions as I have no choice but my sadness and pain isn’t something I am able to ignore or run away from..that will only postpone the pain for a later date. I do catch myself “faking it” as continuing without her will never be right or feel right..so its impossible. My feeling of happiness will never be what it used to be in every happy and joyous moment Im desperately wishing She was experiencing it with us here on earth. Accepting Gods will for your life when it isn’t what you want or desire is HARD. How do you believe that what happened can be used for good when it hurts so bad..why does good have to come from my pain..I’m not sure I will ever know or be ok with any answer I am given..But I never doubt that God is there and working. I see so many blessing he has given and continues to give..they do not alleviate any of the pain but are a continual reminder that God didn’t take my daughter to harm me or hurt me..he’s fighting hard to encourage me and let me know she is with him waiting for me and I continue fighting hard to stand where he has put me..knowing that I do not have to “fake it” for him to use me. If I never speak of my brokenness how can anyone appreciate the strength that he gave me to live through it. I’m so Greatful to all those who have been willing to accept us damaged and continue walking and helping us find those precious moments of happiness that are so hard to come by

The month of July is filled with the last memories we had with her, but it isn’t just that they were the last its that they were some of the best. The peace that filled our home as we all individual grew our relationship with God is an unbelievable gift that can’t be explained as it also grew us all closer to each other. Our family had never been stronger than we were in that last month. This last year has been an extreme test of faith and perseverance as losing Sydney has made each of us want to just give up. The pain takes you to places you never thought imaginable. Our future was shattered and everything we hoped and dreamed for was destroyed. I’ve said it before but I’m not sure anyone that didn’t know her would understand..She was our bright light..Everything could be going bad and when she walked around the corner and smiled at you..it just made you light up inside. She never walked away from the opportunity to try and make us feel better or give us the encouragement needed to get through the struggles of life…and we hadn’t even faced our hardest one…I can honestly say that we enjoyed life together because we enjoyed the same things about life. Even though we enjoyed life..we still sometimes took things for granted..I never thought for one second she would ever leave me..It just isn’t possible for your brain to think about it..On July 8, 2013 Sydney was driving home from the gym and she wrecked her car just a couple miles from the house. She called me crying and so upset..I immediately told her as long as she was okay everything would be okay. I left the house to go meet her and when I saw the car..no doubt totaled..and not a scratch on her I was thanking God every second..You see in that moment I was thankful she was still with me, but my mind was not able to understand what horror we truly avoided. I am so blessed God gave me those extra days because I might not have understood the pain I avoided but God still worked through it. We were able to tell her that nothing mattered more to us than her life..not the insurance…not the car..nothing matters more than the people in your life. Sometimes as we struggle through life we don’t take time to tell our kids how important they are. We did!! The next two days we hugged her more..said I love you more..she was so very emotional and knew God let her walk away..Those last days we were able to focus on what was important. Thursday will mark a year from the second wreck that ended up taking her life..It will be awful but truthfully everyday is hard and awful..Thursday might be a little better because it will be a day everyone is willing to stop and remember her, and that is the only thing that comes close to easing the pain of losing your child. I will get to for a day see her life be remembered and memories shared. The further you get from the day they left the less people stop to share their memories. Again our house is open on Thursday..please do not hesitate to come see us..no memory too small to share..if she touched your life in anyway before or after her death..you have the ability to touch ours.