God continues to work on my heart..he is teaching me so much..honestly I don’t want to learn it..I don’t want to grow stronger. I want to scream NO MORE..I’ve had enough I don’t want anymore pain or bitterness in my life but for whatever reason God continues to allow our trials and pain to be magnified..I miss Sydney Lisa Jeter so much..as I’ve said before its impossible to explain the emotional torment that goes on in my mind..I would think if I had to physically explain the pain I would say it would be similar to someone tying ropes to each of my hands/arms and pulling them slowly in opposite directions..its a slow agonizing pain that has increased as we have walked through such awful betrayal. As a mom all you have left when your child leaves is her memory and how people treat that memory can hurt as bad as losing your child..especially when it is the last moments of your child’s life..God tested my faith through all of this not just my faith in him but my faith in what I saw him do in Sydney’s life..I witnessed the most beautiful change of heart in Sydney with my own eyes unlike most who can only hear it or read it..I got to see it with my own eyes..I started to question it when these lies started but then God brought me to my knees with humility..how could I question what I saw and know could only be God..he reminded me through some post of Sydney’s accident just two days before..she had a photo album on her phone labeled God and the pictures of her wrecked car were placed there..she KNEW God was in control of her life because she knew her heart and she trusted him with every bit of her life to the very last second..she spent about 6 hours in bible studies the day she died not because she had to but because she wanted to..she was at peace with her life..perfectly happy with whatever God decided for her..she was listening to him and seeking him daily..when God lifted me from my knees I thought how could anyone much less myself believe the lies that were said regarding her..then in church this morning our preacher was speaking about Judas and said even though Judas knew he was the one Jesus was talking about..he still denied it because even though He knew..he was still trying to deceive everyone else..this is a perfect parallel to our situation..even though the person knows they are lying..they continue because they are still interested in deceiving everyone else even at the expenses of my precious daughter..I learned that as much as it hurts I will not avoid betrayal in my life..I do not deserve what we have been put through..but Jesus did not deserve to be put to death for my sins..my suffering I pray is honoring and glorifying to my God..I am not strong, I am weak, I am human I have been hurt beyond what I could have ever imagined..Sydney was just an ordinary girl that struggled with the same things every other teenage girl struggles with..looking for love and happiness from the world instead of God..she made plenty of mistakes in her life..as we all do but this is why we/she need Jesus to cleanse her soul..the most amazing part..the only thing that makes Sydney any different from any other teenage girl is only her decision to find her joy happiness and love from her Father in Heaven who she now spends her days with away from the pains of this world..that..no one can take away from her..not even with lies..I’m still here walking my journey, feeling my arms pulled in opposite directions as I have to continue without her..I don’t want to..but as long as I’m living..I’m living for God..he will walk with me never leaving me and he will protect and provide Justice if not in this life for sure in the next..Psalm 37:12-15 The wicked plot against the righteous and gnash their teeth at them; but The Lord laughs at the wicked, for he knows their day is coming. The wicked draw the sword and bend the bow to bring down the poor and needy, to slay those whose ways are upright. But their swords will pierce their own hearts, and their bows will be broken..(these verses were posted by Sydney on Instagram the week before she died)

I realize that as I walk through this life with a part of us missing..nothing will ever be the same. Rainy days are depressing..sunny days I’m lonely missing my girl who was willing to pick up and go anywhere to do anything at any moment. Her birthday, Cameron’s birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years…every single holiday is missing something..Even the most perfect moments of my life are going to be missing something..I can’t change it I can’t stop the pain I can only draw near to God and know that on that day that my life became permanently missing something..she was given the most amazing gift of eternal life. I realize how amazing God is because I know I couldn’t survive everyday if it wasn’t for his promises and love. I’m still learning and walking through all of my first and on Thursday I took Cameron to see Imagine Dragons..Sydney Lisa Jeter had talked to him about it and she had already made plans to take him..so I walked where she was unable to walk..she was so excited and couldn’t wait to have that time with him..I was full of mixed emotions as I stepped in and fulfilled her dream of taking him..I was proud to do it for her but I also felt overwhelmed and a little angry that this moment was stolen from her and Cameron but I found the strength and walked through another first..Cameron Rachel and I had a great time..I enjoyed watching how happy he was and I know she was right there with us watching him as well..I understand fully what it means to lean of God for your strength..I’m not really capable of living through what I’ve been dealt..it is hard enough just living life without Sydney but some people chose to give us additional lies, and betrayal to deal with..in the end when all is said and done I will leave Justice up to my father in heaven..he says woe to anyone who causes one of mine to stumble..the lies that cause me more depression and have caused me more suffering..well those people will stand before God one day and will answer for it..if they haven’t repented and changed their life they will end up in eternal hell and the only way to avoid that is by true repentance and that would mean facing all the lies they have told..God is real and his justice is real..it either happens in this life or the next but you can’t avoid it!

Happy Valentine’s Day Sydney Lisa Jeter No way was I gonna let you go without flowers on Valentine’s Day💞so I made this arrangement with the help of an amazing friend at Petal Patch. I was volunteering to help her and had ordered Sydney’s arrangement when she said why don’t you make it for her..and here it is…I think its perfect..Red Roses to represent her ultimate beauty, white carnations to symbolize her elegance, and the popping yellow daisies to capture her amazing personality that shines so bright on everyone she loved..and the final touch a lady bug to symbolize her protection and love for her family and ability to want to stand up for those that deserved it..I miss my baby girl so much..I live life with a whole right in the center of my heart and soul. All I can do is make her flowers I can’t hug her kiss her or spend time talking to her😢👼but never not for a second does my mind ever rest from thinking and praying she were still here. I know she had the best valentines day ever though because her Valentine was not a human man that can let you down but the ONE TRUE PRINCE Jesus! Forever missing you Sydney…Love you sweet pea!

Do you realize how hard it is to smile, to laugh, to find a desire to want to live the next day when a part of you is missing? I’m off balance, I’m in constant pain that is never ending. The fact that I smile throughout the days or smile through tears is not from me..I’m incapable of surviving the loss of Sydney..I loved her so much..I’m not okay with not seeing her again or worshiping next to her in church or watching her love God through this screwed up world. No matter what I feel or go through or how bad I want to give up..at the end of the day I find my strength because I do honestly believe deep down in my soul that God is Lord and knows what is best. I put my trust in him that as much as I’m suffering he knew what was best so even though I haven’t gotten what I wanted in this world I will no doubt be given all my hearts desires through God when it is time. So I’m able to survive my struggles, tears, and pain because of my true belief in God. It is through him and his promises that I have a hope of something better than the pains of this world. I still can’t believe I have to live this life without her..