Tag Archives: loss of a child

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Erin’s Dream Race 

. Getting to Know Sydney, Grief its Real . , , , , ,

As my alarm went off this morning I knew my day would be filled with memories of one of the most amazing girls I’ve ever met. Memories of her passion on the soccer field her intelligence and sencerity and mostly her joy for life. The memories of course don’t stop there..I remembered Sydney’s time spent with Erin and the affect that Erin’s life had on her. After Sydney ran her first 5k (the Amarillo Dash) on March 7, 2010 she began talking to me about how she wished someone would start a 5k memory run in Erin’s honor. Erin had lost her battle with Neuroblastoma in April of 2009. Throughout the next 3 years she continued to bring up her desires to do a 5k for Erin. Even though time passed Erin never left Sydney’s heart. In high school her electives followed a health track and after Sydney’s accident I found in her school papers where she had a couple of writing prompts one about if she was given 100,000 what she would do with it and another if she could cure any disease what would she choose. In both cases one written Oct 11, 2011 and one written Oct 13, 2011 she mentioned Research for Neutoblastoma the specific cancer that her friend died from. When I heard last year about Erin’s Dream Race I couldn’t help but think about how happy Sydney would have been that Erin’s life and efforts towards cancer research would be honored..and of course tears fell as I knew she wouldn’t get to be a part of it. So for the second year, Stacy Cameron and I attended hoping that the Buenger’s feel not only the love we have for Erin but the love Sydney had for her as well. Today while we were walking I imagined Erin and Sydney together laughing, and watching as Erin’s life continues to help others by raising awareness and money for childhood cancer research. What an honor to know and love her! I’m including pictures from today and Sydney’s writings. We’ve also been blessed to walk with one of Sydney and Erin’s friends (Lindsey Mitchell) these last two years. She’s a beautiful example of how true love never dies!

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Video 3rd Annual Sydney L. Jeter Memorial Soccer Game

. Getting to Know Sydney, Grief its Real, Play for Jeter . , , , , , , , ,


Again I am overwhelmed and blown away by the support and love this community continues to show to Sydney and our family. This year as I sat in the stands I was surrounded by parents who had no child on the field, but they were there to support the Lady Tiger Soccer team and Coaches as they continue to play a memorial game in honor of Sydney and what her life meant to the A&M Consolidated Lady Tiger Soccer Program. When I lost Sydney I had in my mind the people I thought would walk next to us, but as time moves on I’ve realized the people you thought would never leave..do..but then you are overwhelmed when you realized the people who step in..unafraid to stand next to you..cry with you..and most importantly share stories and pictures with you. The soccer community whether competitive league or high school has given more than I ever imagined. People often say competitive soccer is about making money..I am proof it is not..I believe almost all of Sydney’s competitive coaches not only came to her funeral but were there for the 1st memorial game (7 months after the accident) and a few consistently at EVERYONE of them..this is above and beyond what someone would do if it was about making money. This is what you do when you are part of a family and that is how the soccer community makes me feel..like we are forever part of their family. I know Sydney feels all the love the soccer community has shown her and I’m so grateful to be a part of such an amazing family⚽️

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Nothing will ever come between us..I’ll be standing right next to you!

. Getting to Know Sydney, Grief its Real . , , , , , , ,

Today is 2 1/2 yrs..2 1/2 yrs since I got to wrap my arms around her and hug her..There’s never a second of the day I’m not thinking about and missing her. I wish so badly that knowing she’s standing right next to me could some how satisfy my aching heart but my flesh will never be satisfied until the day we are reunited with her again. Until then I will fix my eyes and heart on God and live my life honoring her every step of the way. Forever loving and missing you Sydney Lisa Jeter

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What I used to love I now almost hate

. Grief its Real . , , , , , , ,

Halloween used to provide so much excitement and happiness for our family. It was one of the holidays we looked forward to..I would have easily said I loved Halloween but now it provides so much pain and emptiness. The last two years we stayed home not really participating in the holiday so when Cameron wanted to join our friends and their family for Halloween I was excited and happy but as the days got closer the emptiness seemed to be continually moving in on me. I will say I fought hard and am very grateful that I got to see my son participate in Halloween for the first time since his sister’s accident. I will never feel the same about Halloween..it takes everything in me not to hate it. It is so hard to continue living for Cameron when I’m dying inside. I couldn’t have made it with out two of my amazing friends who are willing to let us be a part of their families celebration no matter how broken or how bad I’m hurting. Life doesn’t stop and you truly never realize how many holidays there are until they provide pain instead of joy. Thankful God has blessed us with amazing friends who aren’t scared of tears and are willing to love and include us no matter what..

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Your strength inspires me

. Grief its Real . , ,

I’ve heard many times “Your strength inspires me” I immediately think my strength? I am not strong I have absolutely no strength..I feel so weak and broken..my mind is constantly consumed with thoughts about her, what if’s, I still cry, I still hurt, I still miss her voice, I still miss her hugs, I still miss her craziness, I still miss watching her grow as a disciple and worship in church, I still miss our bible studies, I still miss EVERYTHING and then I have to try and ba…lance life around all that.. It makes me wonder how anyone sees strength..I think that what people see in not actually strength but rather the peace that I have because I believe and trust God more than I do the lies Satan continues to whisper to me. You see I truly only had two choices the day I lost her..One was to let Satan beat me down and destroy any purpose God had left for my life and the other was to believe and trust God and allow him to use every broken piece I had left to help him bring good out of the destruction. No matter how much I wanted having Sydney back wasn’t one of my choices..letting myself..self destruct wasn’t going to bring my baby girl back or bring any kind of peace into my life..The choice however was still mine to make..I often think about all the blessings I would have lost had I chose to not follow God’s light and guidance..The people he’s placed in my life, the things he’s taught me through obedience, the rewards are more than I could ever imagine..You see we aren’t going to ever stop bad things from happening in this world, but we are given a choice to join God as he works to help us survive this broken world..I believe it is only through my weakness that I have experienced the true power of God’s strength..If you are broken and struggling I want you to understand you don’t have to feel strong, for others to see strength you simply have to cling to God and his truth with all that you have and he does everything else.

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What if God’s answer is NO

. Grief its Real . , , , ,

What if God’s answer is NO..does that mean he isn’t as big…isn’t as real…isn’t as powerful..or does that just mean he didn’t love me as much as the person whose answer was “yes” I hear and read where people talk about how amazing God is because his answer to their prayers was “yes” What if your answer was NO..What if God’s will for your life wasn’t something that made you feel good, what if it was something that crushed you, ripped you to pieces..and produced a pain so great… you questioned your own survival..I’m going to be honest I think sometimes people would give him more credit if Sydney had walked away that night then they do because she didn’t..because we tend to give God credit for the positives he gives instead of standing with us through the NO’s, but I’ve learned more about who God is, his sovereignty, his love, his peace, his comfort, and most importantly my BELIEF through him standing beside me through the NO..My faith is tested DAILY..It is easy to praise God through the blessings but it is much harder to praise God through the devastation. I’ve also heard people say if through a broken heart God can bring his purposes to pass in the world, then thank him for breaking your heart..I’m pretty positive I will NEVER be at a place where I can thank him for the brokenness I have experienced or the suffering still to come, but I have grown through it, I have learned he doesn’t love me less, he didn’t chose me because I was stronger..he knew this devastation was beyond my own strength..and even if he did think I was stronger..God definitely knew Stacy wasn’t..he knew he would fall to pieces searching for answers and missing her…He constantly reminds me that he didn’t promise us a perfect life, he promised us that he would be with us as we walked through it..that he would never leave us..that if we fell into his arms..he is big enough and powerful enough to carry us even if his answer is NO and if we cling to him that answer is only temporary..What if his answer is NO? Will it change your perception of God? I pray I continue to allow him to use my brokenness for his purpose..that if I must feel this pain and emptiness that he can at least use it to speak to or help someone else who might be walking through some dark time in their life and help them KNOW God is just as big and real no matter how he has answered your prayer

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A grieving parent’s disability

. Grief its Real . , , , ,

Most people don’t look at someone with an amputated leg and expect them to become what they once were..It’s obvious when you look at them they are missing a piece of themselves..They must learn to balance..to walk…and possibly run again..but never will we look at them and expect them to have their leg back..yet many look at a grieving parent hoping and waiting for the day they are better..the day the pain eases and they have “their leg” back..Reality is..they have lost a piece of them just as if they have lost a body part..our handicap may not be visible but it is REAL..I must learn how to balance..walk..and eventually run again..but NEVER will I be whole again..I will never accept the fact that she had to leave but I have accepted the reality that she isn’t coming back..The pain of not having her will NEVER leave however I am praying for the grace to benefit from it and the willingness to let God use it to glorify him..No doubt God has been faithful to me just as he always is..I learned in an Experiencing God class years ago that God is always at work around you, you don’t have to run to a different city or another country to do his work..He has overwhelmed me with opportunities to disciple others right here as I continue to focus on him through my own handicap..but I am beyond humbled at the latest opportunity God has given me to help others..I was contacted by Kathe Hawkins a few months after Sydney’s accident and she talked about a need she saw in our community for a safe place for kids to go who have suffered loss and help them process their grief and allow them to remember their loved ones…it is not something that is easy to start, but with God all things are possible, and over a year later and her speaking and partnering with the right people her idea has a name, a building, and an amazing team that I get to be a part of..We are beginning to offer training classes for volunteers who may want to join and scheduling intake meetings for those who are in need of the services offered..I’m super excited to see the healing this facility will provide for our community and honored to know that Sydney was part of Kathe’s initial inspiration. I may not be whole, I may be unbalanced, and I may still stumble as I survive my handicap, but It continues to encourage me to know that even as broken as I am God still invites me to join him where he is at work. Please feel free to contact me if you would like any additional information

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Settling for less is only temporary

. Grief its Real . , , , , ,

Warning–this post could be upsetting to some due to some specific’s shared..I’ve never spoken openly about these feelings but today I can’t seem to get rid of the feelings or desire to try and explain the unexplainable..Exactly 16 years and 10 months after I held her for the first time and 2 yrs ago today with tears swelling in my eyes I laid my head on her casket for the last time..forced to physically part with her. I will tell you that at the time It was hard for me to view her..I personally fixed her hair and tried everything as I wanted desperately to have an open casket funeral..We had a beautiful eagle embroidered on the inside along with the scripture Isaiah 40:31 but the trauma she had experienced was obvious and unable to be hidden so we had to make the hard decision to close her casket. I thought I would find some peace or comfort in seeing her but It offered me NO amount of peace or comfort, only a deep rooted desire for it..I share those specific feelings from 2 yrs ago to help people understand my feelings today and how missing someone doesn’t get easier it gets harder..today I would handle that moment completely different I would most likely crawl up in the casket and lay beside her holding on as long as I was able to..as time moves on we start to settle for so much less because less is all we have..its sad for me to know that I miss her so bad I would even want that moment back. But that is my truth and my reality. Many things have changed for me over the past two years. I have learned how to live grasping hard to the less I’m offered and have always found ways to make that less as fulfilling as I can. Her spirit never leaves me..her faith fills me with encouragement and hope..but I will forever desire and miss her physically being here crawling all over me every second she could..the road and journey for a parent whose child is in heaven is unending and painful as we will never be truly satisfied with less..it’s impossible and unnatural…I survive because of Gods promises and believing that as he has promised I will spend eternity with so much MORE instead of less.

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2 years later

. Grief its Real . , , , , ,

I am beyond overwhelmed, beyond grateful, and beyond blessed to see and be a part of people giving back to my family the love Sydney so beautifully gave to them. It is still unbelievable to me that Friday marked 2 yrs since she left. The emptiness never leaves, what many do not understand is that for us Friday was easier then any other day easier because the one thing that eases and lifts our pain is knowing Sydney was remembered and loved beyond her short life here. Anniversary dates seem to be days others find it most appropriate to share memories, pictures, and time remembering and sharing the legacy she left. I did not spend the day celebrating..I am still human and I will never celebrate her leaving me, but I did spend my day DOING what she would have been doing if she were here. We shared God, shared love, shared food, and enjoyed the pool..with people who love her. Thank you first to a family friend Carlos who graciously cooked and provided the fajitas, for everyone who came out Friday, for all the prayers, and for anyone who showed the world a little bit of Sydney’s love..God never ceases to remind me that he not only has but will continue to shine and create good out of all the bad..It was not possible for me to get pictures of everyone or with everyone but this video includes the ones I was blessed to get..I will load all the individual pics from the slideshow in an album…Sydney Lisa Jeter may the legacy you built and the love you so amazingly gave continue to be shared. You touched so many people’s lives in a positive way and you are still sharing God with people today. Love you forever and always.